Too busy living to worry about dying

My boss was gone for several days so I was able to stay home with the folks.  We are all riding an emotional roller coaster, which I suppose happens when one you love is battling illness, and battling, and battling.  And this week I went to see my daughter as well.  She called me from the hospital but the OB nazis said she had to go home and wait some more.  She was so cranky I had to put her in time out.  Poor baby.

The wonderful Hospice nurse, Barb,is coming to help with Dad.  He doesn't want to talk about it to the kids right now.  Said he thinks they are wrong again (three times the medical professionals who have treated his cancer told him he had 3 to 6 months to live...that began 2 years ago).  He said he was planning on spending Christmas with his children (I told him I thought he should tell the kids so they can come visit him now but he got angry...so I just quieted down and asked him if he needed me to do anything for him...no thank you very much).  He looked me eye to eye and with barely a smile on his lips, he told me "If I'm wrong about this, it will be the last mistake I ever make."  I laughed out loud.  Couldn't help it.  Cancer has taken a lot out of him, but not his sense of humor and wit.

He's going to deer camp this week end with sons and nephews, friends and who knows who else, and wants to head for a casino next week end. I have to work hard to keep up with him.

He is so charming and smiles and laughs with Barb.  But before she came to visit on Monday, he said, "let's don't tell Barb what we've decided (what HE'S decided about staying around until Christmas...)  Let's just go along with whatever she says."  Not to worry, Dad, Barb is happy with how well you are doing.  And everyone knows that attitude is as important as any other treatment modality.  Even though his body is getting weaker, his will is not wavering.

I am heading for the coast this week end.  My valiant young niece who has battled cancer for some 7 months died last week and her services are on Saturday.  Then I will go to Katie's again for Saturday night and Sunday. 

I am not looking for lessons in any of this right now.  Today I went to work.  Then I came home.  I'm lucky enough to have a job to go to and a family to come home to these days.  My Dad makes me smile.  My daughter, even though she is not feeling well carrying around a 20 pound bowling ball water baby where her belly used to be, also makes me smile.  She got a sizzling wit from somewhere.  Keeps everyone around her on their toes. 

At this moment, life is incredibly busy.  Soon it will slow down.  Christmas will be here and then be just a memory.  The baby will come fresh from God to show us He still has hope for this old world.  And one day, who knows when...Dad will go back to God.  And there will be a giant Irish welcoming party (is there whiskey in heaven I wonder?).  And Dad will be the guest of honor.  But I have been told such talk is premature.  He has no plans to go anywhere except maybe the casino.  Heaven will just have to wait.  His wives, parents, brothers, sisters, grandchildren, friends, and miscellaneous in-laws and out laws will just have to wait a bit longer for their party.  We're too darn busy here to worry about it right now.

autumn

Harvest is over.  We are continuing to put up the berries that we froze earlier in the year, other than that, canning season is done.  The wood pile is stacked high in preparation for warm fires on cold winter nights. 

At Dad's doctor appointment last Tuesday, she said "it's happening."  His liver and kidneys are shutting down.  He is experiencing symptoms.  She asked if she could make a hospice referral.  He said "yes." 

The hospice nurse came today.  She asked dad about what goals he wanted to accomplish before he died.  He said he wants to go to hunting camp in two weeks.  He also is planning another trip...we just got back from Pendleton, Oregon on Thursday.  That's where Wild Horse Casino is.  He won.  He wins a lot.  Skill?  Luck?  He believes he will win and he does.  Amazing.  He hasn't decided if he wants to go back to Wild Horse or over the mountains to Tulalip Casino.  Then we can enjoy the trees dancing in their brilliant red and golden dresses before they put on the white shroud of winter.  He's still a man with a plan.  He has a list of things he wants to get done.  Arrangements he wants to make.  Things he wants to finalize. His mind is busy.  His heart is busy.  His body is slowing him down.

I know death is part of the human life-cycle.  I believe that if we lived forever there would be no incentive to set and achieve goals.  Procrastination wouldn't matter because there really would be a tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow to start that amazing project, invent that life changing gizmo, write that inspiring book, or discover a miracle cure for what ails the body, heart, and soul.  Death is a gift, but it comes with a price.  The price of having to say good bye.  I hate that part.

I am grateful that I've gotten to know my dad better.  I'm honored to serve him and care for him as he faces death.  A lady at church asked me how my dad was.  I said "he's dying...no that's not right.  He's living.  The dying will happen, but until it does, he is busy living."