In the ditch again, really?

Well, here is our new car.  And I took it for a drive.  And I found a snowy road and thought, I have four-wheel drive, no problem.  Wrong.  Problem.  My brother, Rob lives down the road and he and a neighbor pulled me out.  They were very nice about too, both having been stuck in a snow bank themselves. 

Fast forward 24 hours. 

 

 Same snowy road.  Great sledding hill.  Daughter and grandsons.  Stuck again.  Call brother.  Irritated today.  But still comes and gets daughter's truck out of the ditch.  

Ok.  I got it now.  That is one road I will not take until spring after the snow melts.

By the way, the sledding was great.  And we'll go again tomorrow.  We'll park on a clear road and walk to the hill.  See how good I learn?

Holidays?

I did not forget you, my beautiful children.  I did not forget all the birthdays this month (well, maybe I forgot them on their day, but then I remembered them and am sad because I forgot them on the right day.  I think of you and love you and I'm sorry I'm more of a flake than usual).

Christmas is almost here and I can't remember all the things I wanted to do and I don't have the energy to bake and I just want a nap.  But tonight mom and I set up our little tree, got it decorated, and put some lights in the window.  I tromped outside in the snow because I couldn't stand not knowing what they look like from the road in the dark.  They look lovely, of course.  I really miss my children this time of year.  And my beautiful grandchildren.  I have much to be grateful for, so many blessings. 

It is interesting.  I don't mourn for dad every day.  I do miss him.  Is this how it's going to be?  A series of firsts for the next year.  First Christmas without him.  First New Year's without him.  And on and on.  I am such a melancholy drag.  But not always.

A friend of mine asked me to teach her class in church in January.  Her grandchildren have birthdays.  I said sure, what's the topic.  She said sacrifice.  I said I know a few people I would like to sacrifice.  She said I think you would be good because you have been sacrificing for your dad.  I said wow, way to pull me back to a righteous track, Janet, good job.  I think she may be having second thoughts about asking me to substitute for her.  I thought it was funny.  I really do know a couple people I would like to sacrifice, but tis the season to be benevolent and kind and such thoughts are so unbecoming a lady.  Good thing I'm not a lady.

On that thought of hope and joy and charity, I will close.  Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas.  I love you.

he's gone

On Tuesday evening, November 30, dad slipped quietly into death.  For a week now we knew he was leaving.  Three weeks ago he was gambling at the new casino in Spokane, and suddenly, the disease he's ignored for two years reared its ugly head and took him.  The last couple days he was moving between there and here, having conversations with his brother, who died 6 years ago, and his wife, who died almost 2 years ago.  He could no longer go from his room to the kitchen or the bathroom, he had trouble expressing his thoughts, a couple times, he didn't know who I was.  But when he remembered what was happening, he was ready for this nonsense to be done and for the next adventure to begin. 

For me, life is now in turmoil.  Mom and I are moving.  We're planning a funeral.  And dad is gone. 

I have not lived in my own home for 14 months.  Unfortunately it's been a repository for stuff dumped here and there in a hurry, just passing through.  And mom isn't even unpacked.  We are in chaos. 

I knew this day would come.  It has been a blessing and an honor to help my dad this last year or so.  He is on to his next adventure, and by default, we are as well. 

My heart is full of missing him.