Today I’m going to color my hair. I thought I wanted to grow it out, let it go white, embrace my natural self.
For months I’ve watched as an inch, then two, now three inches of white hair have appeared on the top of my head. I don’t like it. It doesn’t make me physically feel any younger when my hair is blond. I still have the same fluffy body, aches and pains, and bifocals. But emotionally when I look in the mirror, I want to see color, a vibrancy. If that's what I see then I feel better.
So if there is an actual change in the way I feel about myself, then it’s not total illusion, right? If there’s a shift in how I feel about myself, that’s a real, tangible, internal change. I’ll color my white hair. The illusion part. And feel better about myself. The reality part.
I wonder if this is how I’ve lived my whole life…mixing illusion and reality and winding up with a sense of satisfaction.
Hmmmm. I’m cool with that.
