I didn't come here to...

When I came here to earth, I’m sure I was one of those spirits who thought she was going to be amazing and be able to meet and greet all challenges with grace and integrity and be 100% honest and honorable. But it seems I’m much more fallible, fragile, and foolish than I thought I would be before I left heaven. And it’s so hard sometimes. There is such a difference between studying and observing something and living it. The Theory versus Reality thing.

I’m not whining. I’m just trying to figure out this whole spiritual being/ human being paradox.

One thing I know for sure:

I vote illusion...reality...illusion...reality

Today I’m going to color my hair. I thought I wanted to grow it out, let it go white, embrace my natural self.

For months I’ve watched as an inch, then two, now three inches of white hair have appeared on the top of my head. I don’t like it. It doesn’t make me physically feel any younger when my hair is blond. I still have the same fluffy body, aches and pains, and bifocals. But emotionally when I look in the mirror, I want to see color, a vibrancy. If that's what I see then I feel better.

So if there is an actual change in the way I feel about myself, then it’s not total illusion, right? If there’s a shift in how I feel about myself, that’s a real, tangible, internal change. I’ll color my white hair. The illusion part. And feel better about myself. The reality part.

I wonder if this is how I’ve lived my whole life…mixing illusion and reality and winding up with a sense of satisfaction.

Hmmmm. I’m cool with that.