Am I a Whiner?

I submitted my time card Wednesday. I knew when I took this job it was a part-time gig, but when I looked at my income for the month (the time card calculates that, cool huh) I thought to myself, self, you gotta do something more. I have a fill-in gig slated at a great docs office, but that's sporadic. So, what am I to do? This is the second interview I got in six months, and the first job offer. I'm hanging on to this job for sure. But it's not paying the bills. And I just don't have it in me to do enough massages that would fill in the very large budget hole. One of the reasons I took this gig was the supervisor said she wanted to get a full-time person, probably next year. I would have a good shot at the full-time job. But...what to do between now and then. And next year when...middle of the year, end of the year? I just don't know. So while keeping this job, I continue to look for other possibilities. There is one I'm going to apply for at the college. I don't qualify exactly, but I meet most of the qualifications. I don't know what else to do. I can't keep going like this, that's for sure.

I thank the good Lord for this job, for the good people I work with, for the pleasant surroundings, and for the income. Now I have breathing room to look around. Once again I am on the hunt for a good job that can support the lifestyle I'd like to become accustomed to.

In other news, Dad and Carmen are hanging in there. They seem to be slipping a little each week. They both are skinny. On a sad and stressful note, Carmen's sister Sharon passed away this week after she fell and broke her hip. This tragedy was sudden and unexpected. Carmen had been helping Sharon's children with all that needs to be done. And little brother Kevin successfully underwent double by-pass surgery on both legs on Monday. They cut him from his sternum to his pubic bone and two little zipper cuts on both upper legs. He's recovering well and may be able to come home today.

Other than that, autumn is well and truly here. The trees in surrounding orchards are dancing in the wind wearing their fancy red and golden dresses, their last hurrah before they go to sleep for the winter. And the only things left in the garden are four little pumpkins that will need to come in soon. There is only one with some green on it; the rest are bright orange. Pumpkin pie, here I come.

some days you're the cat, some days you're the pigeon

Tomatoes and Apples

Ah, what a good day yesterday was. I put up a canner full of tomatoes. The green tomatoes are getting ripe slowly. A friend called and said she wanted to go glean apples but needed a ladder. Guess what? I have access to ladders. So the two of us old ladies went out to a small orchard near here and picked apples. They are red and golden delicious, and the owner decided he wasn't picking them because the market is bad for those types of apples. Apples is the one thing I haven't gotten hold of this season and I was praying for apples, isn't that silly. But I want to make some apple butter because I have a kid who loves apple butter and I want to give him apple butter for Christmas. In the grand scheme of life, what with jobs and illnesses and children and politics and wars and everything, you'd think heavenly Father would be too busy to worry about finding me apples. But He wasn't. Isn't that amazing? Sometimes I feel so alone and overwhelmed, sometimes my life is so full I can't hold all the joy in my arms at once. But always, even though I doubt it sometimes, I know God knows my name.

I must go and peel apples. My house is going to smell so good.

The end of tomatoes and ...

Yesterday afternoon after a bout of emotional paralysis, I went outside and pulled up dead tomato vines. Frost killed them. I picked a few tomatoes I missed last week and ate my last tomato of the season fresh off the vine. I picked the pathetic beets, and the miniature rainbow carrots, as well (orange, yellow, red, and white, pretty cool really except they weren't designed to feed regular people, that's for sure). It is somehow very sad to have my garden growing season over, clean up the little patches of ground for next year, and pick the last tomato.

I've started making Christmas presents, but it already doesn't look good. I'm doing counted cross stitch ornaments (don't read this kids). It is taking me FOREVER to finish one ornament, stitches in, rip them out, my count is off so my picture is a bit skewed, and a few stitches that I missed ripping out (I don't know how I could have done that) are leaning slightly to the left. How hard is it to sew a stupid x for crying out loud? Apparently more difficult than I originally thought. I'm going to have to take the thing into town because I missed the class on French knots and of course, this picture has French knots in it. A bunch. I'm hoping I can find someone in town who can show me how to sew French knots. I'll be the old lady on the street corner with the little cross stitch picture saying to strangers passing by, hey can you show me French knots? I'm not complaining. It's just that you can't eat cross stitch pictures, you can't get out and dig up weeds around the pictures, and the pattern isn't nearly as pretty as the picture of tomatoes on the front of a seed package. But since growing season is over and holiday season is fast approaching, I'm stitching. This started out as a labor of love. It has become a test of wills. Who is going to win, me or the needle that goes where it shouldn't and the thread that knots up on the back of the picture? I'll keep you posted on my progress.

Gotta Do Something

It's been a rough week for Dad and Carmen. Dad had chemo last Friday and did okay for the week end, but since Monday, he's been sick. Carmen had chemo Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday and she's not feeling well. Duh.

They are such an important part of my life today and my history, I'm having trouble even contemplating their mortality. I understand that, logically, none of us has a lock on life, and life could be over for any one of us at any moment. But my heart is screaming, stop this nonsense, they just planted new trees and they need to see how that adventure turns out. They have grandchildren and great grandchildren who are still babies, what about them.

The tears have come easy for me this week. There is always hope for a miracle. But perhaps the journey they are on and the example they present during this difficult time is more important than any miracle. Carmen's cancer is responding to chemo, but the doc said Dad has months. I hate it when doctors quantify life that way. And maybe the chemo will help him. And there's always the miracle thing. I don't know.

So I take them food. Cinnamon rolls, peach cobbler, an occasional dinner. Because I must do something. Yesterday Dad was feeling so bad. He finally let me do a little energy work on his belly. I have been doing guerrilla energy work on him and last night, I worked on him again. Carmen has been letting me do a little massage and energy work on her some evenings. Hands on is easier. And they fill my prayers.

If you gotta do something, too, add them to your prayers often. Write them notes and cards and express your love, share a memory, send a picture of you and your family. Have your little ones draw them pictures. Tootie, they loved the pictures of your baby. Let them know you're thinking of them. It brightens their days and makes them smile, and smiles are precious these days. They never get on the computer, so that's not an option. (They are so funny that way). Pick up paper and pen and get to it. I'll bake, you write.

Hunting Camp

Brothers, cousins, and Dad all went to deer camp. This is a week long male bonding event that happens once a year. Dad just went up for the day yesterday. He was feeling good after chemo and wanted to go to deer camp to try and earn some Christmas money in the card games they all play. I haven't talked to him today to see how he did.

I don't believe anyone has gotten a deer the last several years, but I heard that one of the cousins got a deer already, and they have another few days, so they are always ever hopeful. Deer camp is legend in our family. They have a big tent, a stove, take chairs and cots and guns, and I understand, plenty of beer for relaxing in the evenings and eat really good. It's a mystery to me, I've never been to deer camp and that's ok. I don't mind eating Bambi's daddy, but I wouldn't want to shoot him.

I hope one of my brothers get a deer. I love a good hunk of venison. Here's to male bonding and the luck of the hunt.

Red neck time out

No this is not my kid or grandkid. Although I have been mightily tempted to try this kind of thing, I never have. But to all you parents out there who are at the end of your rope, just don't tape over hair or skin and this will probably work. And don't forget the kid's wubbie, in this case, a duck. It's awful to have to hang out by yourself.

Quiet Monday

It was a wild week end with daughter and four little grandchildren. Rose turned 3 last week so we had cake for her. She sang "happy birthday to me" along with everyone else. Mom was here but she headed for Rob's once the chaos got in full swing. It was over much too soon and I hated to see them leave. I so miss my little ones.

Today was quiet. My first class canceled. My second class canceled. My third class got out an hour early. So much for one of my two best days at work. Mom and I got some apple butter started with apples the neighbor gave me. My house smells so good...apples and cinnamon. Mmmm.

Dad is struggling with nausea. He continues to lose weight. Carmen got a beautiful wig just in the nick of time. Carmen said, "turn me away from the mirror and cut it." So Judy at J C Penney hair salon did just that. Then styled her hair so it looks just lovely.

They are both trying so hard. Fussing over each other. Worrying about each other. They touch a lot these days. I took them over some birthday cake. I'm trying to fatten them up. It's not working too well, but I refuse to give up.

And now I'm sitting here, fire in my fire place, music on the radio, mom and I sipping tea and reading. It's quite lovely in paradise tonight.

How Odd

I didn't have to work today. Equipment problems. It was odd being home and having no one here to come home to. I've had visitors for a week but they're all gone and it's interesting to me how quickly I got used to coming home and integrating others into my solitary life.

I finished my son's birthday present and put it in the mail this afternoon--his birthday is tomorrow. I can't believe he's older than me now. Amazing how that works. My life is just full of magic.

The stars were close last night here in paradise. Millions of them sparkling almost close enough to touch. No stars tonight. The weather is changing. Summer is gone and autumn is really here. This is the schizophrenic time of year when one day it will be hot and the next night there's a freeze warning and it's cold and time to break out the flannel shirts and wool socks and light the fireplace. Sort of like limping toward cold weather with two flat tires; getting there, but not really wanting to.