Quiet after the storm

It has been an amazing holiday that started five days ago with 15 other people sleeping in my little farm house, Thanksgiving dinner was wonderful with family, friends, and two young men far from home (first Thanksgiving for one-quite an initiation), and 50 biscuits, sausage gravy, and pancakes for breakfast yesterday till everyone was full again.  Leftovers, and then leftovers again.  It has been a week full of love, and hugs, and grandma rock-rocks, and freeze tag in the orchard.  The children were disappointed that we have no snow, but devised a plan to slide down the sledding hill in the mud using their coats instead of sleds.  Um.  No.

 I told the little snots if they didn't look happy and hold still so I could take a good picture, I wasn't going to let them go home.  They did not believe me.  13 pictures later...perhaps photo shop can help.

The house is quiet.  There is one piece of pumpkin pie left.  I will make turkey soup tomorrow.  Tonight, I think I'll have leftover spaghetti for dinner.  Alone.  All by myself. 

I miss you to the moon and back.

 

so where's the magic?

I hate this dying thing.  It's a family process and I feel honored to be able to serve my dad during this time.  But...come on already.  I just want him to get better, be better.  Darn it.  I want MAGIC.

Dad's pain meds were changed and he's a royal mess. He's spacey and flat.  His pain is 10 out of 10.  Rob talked to his doc and got some ideas how to manage it better.  We're not on hold forever for the trip, I don't think. I think it's just a meds mess.  We're packing the monster motor home in preparation for take off.  Once we get the pain problem handled, we're on the gone plan.

Sam came over this morning and I got Motor Home 101 training.  I know how to hook up the grey water and black water hose thingy (Yuk), turn on the interior power, level the thing (sort of), hook the water and power up, and was told to take WIDE turns.  Oh boy, this is going to be interesting.  I'm a wreck (no pun intended) driving in big city traffic in my car.  Where's my sign "student driver" to stick on the back?  Do you think other drivers will be nicer to me if they know I'm a newbie?  Probably not.

Look out Arizona.  I'm hitting the road soon.  In a monster motor home, no less.  I think I'll be the ninja monster motor home driver.  Flow through traffic and no one will even know I've been there.

We're all excited to get out of Dodge.

Happy Father's Day

Yesterday was a glorious day. Brothers and sisters came from all around bringing kids and grandkids for an afternoon of family and food.

Dad is doing pretty good. His last scan showed the tumors growing and his doc is putting him back on IV chem starting this week. This is an unexpectedly bad turn from my perspective. I thought he was healing, going into remission, and that his cancer would continue to go away until it was all gone. Some of it is all gone. And his liver function is good. Am I foolish to believe that healing can happen?

Dad is so positive about how well he's doing. But then, he doesn't talk about pain or side effects of the oral chemo he's taking or the cancer or his outcome except he's making long term plans to travel this winter, go hunting in Montana, do a little fishing as the mood grabs him, and talking about the amazing harvest that is just weeks away.

I'm blessed to be here in Paradise just down the road from my Dad. I'm enjoying this opportunity to reconnect, build and rebuild, and simply hug him every day.

Happy New Year

The last day of 2008 is only a couple days away. A natural time for reflection on the past year and looking forward to a brand new year all fresh and untouched. It has been a very quiet holiday for me. Mostly I just stayed home by myself and rested, read, and thought. I realize that I have not taken much time to think. Not in a morose, sorrowful way, but in a considering kind of way about where I am today and where I want to be at this time next year. Of course, life is what happens when you're making other plans, but if I don't have some kind of direction then I tend to wander aimlessly about wondering what the heck is going on. Aimless wandering is neither satisfying nor productive. I will trust the good Lord to direct my life where He wants me and I will make an effort to listen to the whisperings of the spirit and then go and do. I have been in survival mode for so long, it's kind of exciting to be looking forward to the new year with anticipation and hope.

I am counting my blessings. All my children and grandchildren are healthy and doing fine. I am able to visit with my parents regularly and share my life with them while they are sharing their lives with me. I live in a beautiful place in a home that keeps me safe from the storms raging outside. I am healthier now then I have been in years (and wonder of wonder...I caught some of the year end sales and am down to a size 12-14). I got my hair cut and now I'm styling, or sorta styling anyway. It looks like I've found a good job working with good people doing work that is not too hard and yet keeps me busy. I have brothers near by who take care of me and help out when I need it. I am lifted up in the blessings of the gospel, my wonderful ward, and the people I'm privileged to know at church. I could probably go on for about another hour or so, but I won't be so boring. Being grateful has been a large part of my musings this holiday season.

Although not without its challenges, life is good. Happy New Year.

December--Yikes

I was able to go to help a daughter over the Thanksgiving holiday, and now that she's all fixed up, she can eat again. Yea! And it was so nice to see her, Josh, and the grandkids. They are getting so big (the grandkids. I think Josh and Katie are getting smaller). And now it is time to get serious about putting together the gift baskets I'm giving my kids and grandkids. Notwithstanding Christmas, I have four grandkids who have birthdays this month.

I stopped in at Dad and Carmen's on Thanksgiving on my way out of town...wow, they had a crowd at their house. It was great to see all the kids and grandkids surrounding the folks. Carmen smiled as she told me about it. It made her very happy.

When I got up this morning, the fog was floating in the valley, turning the view into magic. I just love the magic in my life. It's a good day in paradise.

Thanksgiving

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, but I had my family over last Saturday. The children all have Thursday plans and I just wanted to sit down to dinner with them, rock the babies, and have some face time and hugs.

I'll head down to Dad and Carmen's tomorrow afternoon. I think their count is up to 40 for dinner. I took the ham over from our dinner, and a couple of baked pie crusts to help out the cause over there. Carmen made ham and beans as a dinner for the wanderers tonight as they wander in, with sliced ham for sandwiches. I didn't figure she'd want the leftover turkey, because tomorrow they'll be making their own leftover turkey.

They seem to be managing. Still getting thinner, but still smiling. I don't know if it's denial or not, but I'm still hopeful for a full recovery for both of them.

On another grateful note, tonight my niece Tiff had her little baby girl. She was over 8 pounds, I can't remember exactly, and looks a lot like her daddy. Oni, welcome to the world. Mom and baby are resting comfortably, or were a bit ago...that changes fast when you're dealing with a hungry little baby. Congratulations Tiff and Bernard. All my love and best wishes.

Giving Thanks

Well, my children all have plans for Thanksgiving, so I planned this great early Thanksgiving meal on Saturday, tomorrow. Alli is going to make the turkey and I will bake a ham. I had great plans to get much of the work done earlier in the week but work and Enrichment meeting and yada yada yada...and it just didn't get done. So I was up bright and early this morning cleaning like a mad woman. All the Christmas projects I've been working on are stuck here and there. Got the table cleaned off and expanded, made two batches of bread, washed sheets for five beds, made up one bed four to go. So the question is how many pies can I make in four hours before the troops start descending and I must stop to rock grandchildren? I have ten pie pans I'd hoped to fill. We'll see. Don't have the floors done either. That may be put off until another day.

But none of that matters because in a few hours my house will be full of children, grandchildren, parents and miscellaneous visitors. I'm so excited. I had a count once...6 kids, 7 grandkid-type (under 8 years old) people (including 5 month old twins--how fun is that?). Then there's Mom and Andy, and tomorrow for dinner another 4, or 6, or 8 people will show up, I'm not sure. Doesn't really matter because there will be lots of food.

Isn't this what Thanksgiving is all about? Gathering together to visit and give thanks. Some days this is the best paradise ever.

Am I a Whiner?

I submitted my time card Wednesday. I knew when I took this job it was a part-time gig, but when I looked at my income for the month (the time card calculates that, cool huh) I thought to myself, self, you gotta do something more. I have a fill-in gig slated at a great docs office, but that's sporadic. So, what am I to do? This is the second interview I got in six months, and the first job offer. I'm hanging on to this job for sure. But it's not paying the bills. And I just don't have it in me to do enough massages that would fill in the very large budget hole. One of the reasons I took this gig was the supervisor said she wanted to get a full-time person, probably next year. I would have a good shot at the full-time job. But...what to do between now and then. And next year when...middle of the year, end of the year? I just don't know. So while keeping this job, I continue to look for other possibilities. There is one I'm going to apply for at the college. I don't qualify exactly, but I meet most of the qualifications. I don't know what else to do. I can't keep going like this, that's for sure.

I thank the good Lord for this job, for the good people I work with, for the pleasant surroundings, and for the income. Now I have breathing room to look around. Once again I am on the hunt for a good job that can support the lifestyle I'd like to become accustomed to.

In other news, Dad and Carmen are hanging in there. They seem to be slipping a little each week. They both are skinny. On a sad and stressful note, Carmen's sister Sharon passed away this week after she fell and broke her hip. This tragedy was sudden and unexpected. Carmen had been helping Sharon's children with all that needs to be done. And little brother Kevin successfully underwent double by-pass surgery on both legs on Monday. They cut him from his sternum to his pubic bone and two little zipper cuts on both upper legs. He's recovering well and may be able to come home today.

Other than that, autumn is well and truly here. The trees in surrounding orchards are dancing in the wind wearing their fancy red and golden dresses, their last hurrah before they go to sleep for the winter. And the only things left in the garden are four little pumpkins that will need to come in soon. There is only one with some green on it; the rest are bright orange. Pumpkin pie, here I come.

Hunting Camp

Brothers, cousins, and Dad all went to deer camp. This is a week long male bonding event that happens once a year. Dad just went up for the day yesterday. He was feeling good after chemo and wanted to go to deer camp to try and earn some Christmas money in the card games they all play. I haven't talked to him today to see how he did.

I don't believe anyone has gotten a deer the last several years, but I heard that one of the cousins got a deer already, and they have another few days, so they are always ever hopeful. Deer camp is legend in our family. They have a big tent, a stove, take chairs and cots and guns, and I understand, plenty of beer for relaxing in the evenings and eat really good. It's a mystery to me, I've never been to deer camp and that's ok. I don't mind eating Bambi's daddy, but I wouldn't want to shoot him.

I hope one of my brothers get a deer. I love a good hunk of venison. Here's to male bonding and the luck of the hunt.

Chocolate and Other Thoughts

Why, you may ask, do I keep a 1/3 cup measuring cup in the sugar container? Because that's how much sugar it takes to make Fudge For One, and sometimes a pan of fudge is necessary to my survival. I have been known to double the recipe, but rarely, and only in extreme circumstances. Am I a fudge addict? Perhaps a binge fudge addict because I only crave it once a month or so. Hormonal trigger? you ask. Entirely possible. I read somewhere, and I don't know if it's true or not, that sugar, alcohol (which metabolizes as sugar), some illegal drugs, and being "in love" (that first rush of new love...addictive?) all stimulate the same "pleasure" center in the brain. Okie dokie, I can live with stimulating my brain with fudge. So here's the recipe:
Fudge for one
1/3 cup Sugar
1 heaping teaspoon Cocoa
1 Tablespoon + 2 teaspoons Milk
1 scant Tablespoon Butter (real butter is always better)
1/2 teaspoon Vanilla
Mix sugar and cocoa in heavy pan (I call it my fudge pan--even if I cook green beans in it, I smile over the memory of my last batch of fudge). Add milk. Bring to a boil. Boil for 1-1/2 minutes. Remove from heat. Add butter and vanilla. Beat till thick and not glossy anymore. At this point, you can pour it onto a buttered saucer and cut it into squares, or eat it from the pan. Which is usually what I do. Why dirty a saucer? Warning: give it a little time to cool, the stuff has just been boiling, right? It will take the hide right off your tongue. (Ask me how I know?...Right).
I found this recipe on the internet and if I could remember where, I'd list the citation. Unfortunately, I love to look at recipe sites, and cannot for the life of me remember where I found it.

On the home front, my friend left yesterday on the road to her new life. I was so happy to have her here, reconnect, visit, and renew our relationship. My oldest daughter and two babies are coming this afternoon for a week end visit. I'm excited to have her coming, looking forward to walking in the orchards with Bug and rocking Lady Bug to sleep (she hates to close her eyes and sleep for fear she'll miss something good).

I stopped in to see Dad and Carmen a bit ago, but they weren't home. I'll try later. Neither one of them feel well. Duh. Chemo is a harsh treatment and I hope they can survive the chemo long enough to stop the cancer. Carmen feels ill, but her cancer is responding to treatment. Dad's chemo is newly approved and he hasn't been taking it long enough to know if it's going to slow or stop the progression of his disease.

Thank you to all who have sent ideas, links, and prayers. I appreciate it.

I must go and hang the sheets on the line in order to have fresh sheets on the beds when Alli comes.

May the good Lord bless and keep you till we meet again.

Feeling Blessed

It has been an interesting week in paradise. I got a part-time job, which is very good. I’m an Interactive Television Operator. Which means I run the board (cameras, microphones, internet or phone connections, etc.) so a teacher in class here or elsewhere can be seen in class at another location. We have off-site campuses all over the state that classes are sent to. I will work all day Monday and Tuesday (classes at 8 a.m., noon, and going to 8 or 9 p.m.) and Wednesday I’m done at 2. So I’ll have time to do massages on Thursday and Friday. Now I just have to find bodies to put on my table. As I increase my network, and because I am now billing insurance, I should be okay.

I can see the Lord’s hand in my life—finally. I must confess I was feeling pretty picked on there for a while. I need the flexibility of this job because we just found out that Dad and Carmen both have cancer. Details are still sketchy, but it’s very scary. Just the word cancer is scary. Working this schedule, with the flexibility I have will give me time to help them. Do you see the tender mercies of the Lord in this situation as I do? I am here now, with a job that gives me flexibility, with skills to help, time to help, and a desire to help my parents. I worked with a breast cancer support group in my previous life, doing treatments aimed at pain management and mitigating the awful side-effects of nausea and fatigue during chemotherapy. Now here I am, with a steady job, with opportunities to network for enough massage clients so I can meet my financial obligations, and with time free so I can be a comfort to my parents. And there are so many of us, nine children in all, and cancer is a family disease…it impacts the whole family in so many ways. It is a blessing that we can all support each other. Others have time and skills in different directions and together we make up an entire support system for the folks and each other.

Dad has an optimistic outlook, always has…or else as a 80-year-old man he wouldn’t have planted 1000 new cherry trees. He’s incredible. And Carmen is more worried about him than about herself. What an example of pure love.

I have been on many journeys throughout my life. I expect this to be like most in the past…a challenge to body, mind, and spirit. During this journey into the unknown (isn’t every day a journey into the unknown? we just maintain the illusion that we have life under control), I know I must keep the Lord close, hold his very hand, in order to make it through in a way that will give me strength, to know that even when death knocks, and, that too is inevitable eventually for all of us, I have a loving Heavenly Father who led me to this place at this time so I could be part of the processes and challenges of life here in paradise.

How blessed I am.

WELCOME TO ME

Ok so I haven't put colored borders or sparkly fireworks or fancy fonts here (who can tell me how to do that stuff?) but I thought I'd try this blogging thing. I enjoy reading your blogs. I'm not sure anyone will enjoy reading mine, and I'm not sure I'm real concerned about it right now.

I live in paradise, those who visit even say so. A cherry orchard in the back yard. The canyon in front complete with a river, some lakes, mountains. Who could ask for more. Oh yes, and there's my little garden. You know when you plant tomato plants they are ...what ... 6 inches tall. So I planted 10 of them. Some of them are now taller than me. We've had such a cold winter and spring that they are just starting to turn red. I ate my first day before yesterday. My second yesterday. I'm going out and pick another this evening. I love eating them while they are warm and their little tomato hearts are still beating. Several are turning ripe. In another couple weeks I should be up to my eyeballs in tomatoes. I can hardly wait. I have peppers, a bunch, with two ready to pick. My pumpkins look like they are making happy little pumpkin babies, the squash too. Beets and carrots are coming along. I can't remember why I planted chives. What on earth do you do with chives? Oh, I remember, I went in at the end of the potted plant season and they were massively on sale. So I said to myself-self, why not try em. Anyone know what one does with garlic chives? I'm so happy when I go out and water my little garden. I planted some flowers. Some are blossoming, some are just green piles of leaves or something, but they look pretty. Note to self: study which plants make flowers and which are ground huggers before next year. (Again, the lot of them were on sale...nuff said).

My children and grandchildren have come to visit over the last week or two. That was WONDERFUL!! I sent five home Monday and picked two more up today. Before that, four spent the week with me. I just love rocking a little one to sleep, singing to her and having her sing back. Makes me smile just to think about it. And each one of them, they are getting so big and so smart and they are all so beautiful. What a lucky grandma I am, that's for sure. I look at my children living their lives and wrestling with reality and sometimes I ache for them. At this moment about all I can do to help them is pray for them. But they too are all very smart, beautiful, compassionate people. See how lucky I am. It is a challenging time for all of us right now. And the rest of my family. What a blessing they all are to me. And my friends. How they put up with my silliness. We have two family members who are in the military. How I appreciate their sacrifice, the sacrifice of one's wife and children to have husband and daddy gone, oh my, but it is hard to see it. God Bless America and all our troops where ever they are.

So that's what's up with me. Tomorrow I'm taking my two eight-year-olds to town. We'll play in the park, do some grocery shopping, come home and make goodies and popcorn to take to the drive in movies tomorrow night. We'll glean cherries in the morning. Many are in the process of becoming raisins around their pits, but we may find a good one or two. And at some point, we need to make a batch of bread. Probably tonight when it cools off. That way we can have sandwiches tomorrow.

That's it from paradise for now.