Lessons

I was asked the question yesterday..."what is it that you need to learn from your current situation?" And I began to think, "what indeed?" I acknowledge that I have a proud spirit. Well, had a proud spirit. My situation has been pretty humble for some time now, but if I was very honest, I guess I would have to say that my pride still rears its dragon's head once in a while and blows the hot flames of sorrow into my moment.

And yet, the Lord just keeps blessing me. Even when I doubt. Even when I cry because I don't want to ask for help, but there is no other way and I must. My desire is to be self-sufficient once again. My reality isn't in harmony with my desire yet. And yet, so many are so generous. My life is full of gifts.

My lesson? Was I just going to fast to notice my life slipping away and this is God's way of helping me slow down and contemplate my blessings? Was it that I wasn't present even when I was with the people I love, always thinking about what I needed to do next or what was on my list to do next week or just too darn tired. Is this busyness a form of pride I wonder? A sort of 'look at me and see how much I'm accomplishing and how much I have and how hard I work blah blah blah.'

Over half my life is gone and I have been given the opportunity to be here right now living this day, this moment with full awareness and without wondering about tomorrow or what's on my list or where I need to run off to. I watched the sun rise this morning. I have done my job today. Tonight I will go home to my little paradise and light a fire in the fire place and sit in my chair and stitch Christmas presents. That's as far as my planning goes.

If I am honest, I must confess that this is one of the gentler lessons I've encountered in my life. I have faith that the Lord will guide me and lead me where I need to be if I just ask and then listen real hard and make a committment to follow His counsel.

Undoubtably there is more to this lesson, and I haven't figured it all out yet. I have goals and have a picture of what I think my life could look like. But I know that there is a time and a season for everything and this is my season to be blessed with the generousity of others.

Humility. Acceptance. Love. All part of the lesson.

I am a ship builder

I am a ship builder. I have no background in ship building. No particular skills or talents that would make others who know me say, "Of course, I'm sure she'll build a wonderful ship." I am building a ship because I was commanded to. My tendencies to be impatient, a day dreamer, slow to work and then rushing to finish—these traits and many more have caused me to build rafts rather than ships. They float don’t they? And they’re a lot quicker to build. Get on the water faster, right? Well, so I thought. But my little rafts were not what the Lord told me to build. He said, ‘Build a ship.” My first raft sank. My next raft sank. My third raft sank. (Does the term ‘slow learner' come to mind?) Finally I thought, “Perhaps I should build a ship.” I acknowledge that it is only through the tender mercies of the Lord that I survived the foolishness of my own bad habits, pride, and stubbornness.

So at this late date in my life, I am finally a ship builder. I am aware that I don’t know how to build a ship that will safely carry me to the Promised Land. I only know how to build rafts that may look fine but don’t float for very long, especially in rough seas.

I am gathering materials, ore to make tools and lumber to split and somehow fashion into a ship. I don’t know how to do this, so I must rely entirely upon the Lord. What I’ve done in the past hasn’t worked. I have to let go of my pride and do it His way. I don't know what this ship will look like when I get done—but God does. When I finish one step of the process, I go to Him and ask Him to help me with the next step. Occasionally, I want to counsel the Lord – “Well, when I built my rafts I did it this way—what do you think?” If I am silent long enough and really listen, He guides me through the next step and the next and the next. And it is never how I built my rafts.

I am sunburned. I have blisters and scars and sore muscles from the work. But I know if I can keep asking, listening, and doing what the Lord tells me that one day I will have a magnificent ship.

He promised me. He never breaks a promise.

(I wrote this essay some time ago stuck it in my journal in between a couple other pages. It’s a lesson I keep relearning.)

WHACK...ok I get it now

I have been reading a little book called “Drawing on the Powers of Heaven” by Grant Von Harrison. It’s a book about faith. I thought I was faithful, and I am, but I’m learning so much more. This morning during my walk and prayer, I got whacked up along side of the head. I have been praying for a job but too proud to take “just anything.” Then it occurred to me that—and how stupid is this—I don’t want to work at jobs I’m qualified for because I want more, I want to “use my communication degree,” (read: I was being PROUD) and yet I’ve already talked to family to get help with my rent this month. I ask you do proud people beg for money from others when they are capable of working at something and should be making their own money? NO. I don’t want just any job really, but right now, I need a real job. And if it works out, it’ll be just what I want.

I looked in the paper and there are two jobs that I can do. I need to have the faith that my age isn’t going to matter to someone and I’ll be able to get some kind of job. I’m a hard worker. Dependable. Good with people. Okie dokie. I’m heading out this afternoon to pick up applications. I haven’t heard about the other job that I applied for and really want, but I’m not going to sit here and wait for the slow wheels of bureaucracy. If it comes through, I’ll throw a party, sing the halleluiah chorus, and dance in the street…or something like that.

It’s a good day to begin again. I’m so grateful to the Lord for his tender mercies.