Traveling

Tomorrow I will be heading for Tacoma. I was going to go today, but that didn't exactly work out. I'm excited to see the West Side kids and grandkids, especially in light of the fact that the Bremerton kids will become San Diego kids in February. Home is where the Navy sends you. My kids joined the military and I get to see the world. Guam, Hawaii, Idaho Falls (Idaho Falls? Yep).

Once a long time ago the Greyhound Bus company had an anywhere in America $50 fare. So my little sis and I got on a bus in Pasco, Washington and headed east. I got off in South Carolina, she got off in Flordia to visit friends and drive back to the real Washington with them. We spent five days and nights on a dozen different buses and a day sight seeing in Washington DC. We took bagles and yogert and if there was a store near the bus stop we resupplied. We had no money to eat out. If we had money we wouldn't have taken the stupid bus. There was an old guy who bought us breakfast. His daughter was going to pick him up from the bus station in Washington DC, and he wanted us to tell his daughter that he married both of us in Utah and he was bringing us home. We thought it was hilarious at the time. We laughed and ate and had a royal good moment. It was an adventure to say the least.

My kids are moving, rearranging their lives, having adventures, tragedies, and excitement. I watch them, pray for them, hope the best for them, and trust that they will eventually figure it out. Maybe without the five day bus trip. Smelly proposition to be sure. Kind of how life is. Sometimes stinky, but always interesting.

Choices

Dad talked to some docs in Seattle and they pretty much repeated what his oncologist here said, "there's not a lot more we can do." He's had three different chemos in the last year, and they work for a couple months and then don't work any more. Each time it gets harder and harder on him. His hair is gone -- "I look better than Bruce Willis, don't you think?" was his response after his friend shaved all his scraggly white chemo hair off. He will discuss one more option with a mountain of side effects and then decide if he's going to quit treatment, or die trying the really nasty chemo that's left. We all sat down with him over Christmas to discuss options and outcomes with him, with the understanding that he would listen to our input and then make his own decision. Always his own man. When the question of quality time versus increased quantity of time came up, he said he is choosing to live a quality life, and he has yet to decide if that includes more treatment or not. The Seattle docs said he has maybe 3 to 6 months left. But that's what the oncologist told him a year ago in September. She was wrong that time. He thinks these docs may be wrong this time. How can they quantify his optimistic spirit, his belief in miracles, and his strong soul? They can't. They look at pictures of body parts, they do not look at the whole man who has plans and hopes and dreams.

So it was a season of peace and love around here. What the new year will bring is anyone's guess and really it always has been in God's hands anyway.

Each day is an adventure to be captured, lived, and loved fully. That's what Dad is teaching me.

Happy New Year, Dad.

Question: how do you herd cats?

Answer:
Ya don't

Here's snow

Ok so it started with a few innocent flakes and now, oh baby,
we got some serious snow coming down!

Winter is coming

I am sitting in my house warmed by the fireplace. I brought in some wood to fill the pile on the porch. And it is starting to snow. Gray clouds are cuddling the mountains around my little home, creeping down the hill offering the snow cover to sneak up on us. But snow isn't something that hides easily. Its blanket is more encompassing, colder, more permanent than cloud or fog. No discrimination here, snow covers anything in its way; color, gender, short, tall, ugly or beautiful, not relevant considerations for snow. Hello winter.

I have been banned from dad's because I've had a cold for a week. Tired, coughing, and feeling sorry for myself. I miss being at dad's house, seeing him every night. He is doing well. I'm a pile of snot.

So I'm hiding out.

Happy crappy winter.

OH NO

So Sunday night Dad fell. He went to the doctor Monday (wouldn't go Sunday) and he broke his knee cap. So now he's in a wheel chair. The doc said it would be 8-10 weeks and he should be fine. As fine as a man in his situation can be. He has chemo tomorrow. He is however, planning a trip in his motor home in early summer. He's a man with a plan.

BRUCE WILLIS

Dad's hair has been falling out since he started his new chemo. Last week his friend Sam got out the clippers and shaved Dad's head. It was quite startling to come home and see his bald head. He says he thinks he looks like Bruce Willis only better. Way to have a good attitude about it, Dad. He has a nice round head without a lot of dips and bumps so it's really not so bad.

Today is my birthday. I went over to Dad's and there was brownies and cake. It was a surprise. Kelly is over and staying with Dad tonight so I was settling in at my house and wasn't expecting anything. Debbie and the kids were there, Rob, Steve, Kelly, and Dad.

My life is very odd right now. I've been staying at Dad's and coming home once or twice a week to pick up mail and check the house. Then one of his nine kids calls and someone else comes and stays with him to "give me a break." It is unsettling. I don't need "a break." I'm trying to get used to going back and forth. I know the other kids need to be with him and I don't want to interfere with that. But hauling my stuff back and forth between his house and mine is cumbersome at best, totally disconcerting at worst. Now what is it I need and where am I sleeping tonight?

Dad is getting stronger and may not need the attention, but I hesitate leaving him home at night because if he falls I hate the thought of him being down all night.

I cleaned out my basement today. Steve and Rob brought a truck of mom's stuff up today. She'll get a uhaul and get the rest of her stuff up here in the next few weeks. She's pooped. She'll probably have time here without me to decorate the house, get her stuff put away, and get settled in.

Some days I do really good with the uncertainty. I know the Lord is in charge and his tender mercies bless my life daily. Some days I just want to crawl in bed, curl up in a ball and stay there for awhile. No time for that, however.

A year has dripped away with barely a notice. Happy Birthday to me.

swine flu and other challenges

Since I work in a doctor's office, our staff has been scheduled for swine flu shots. But I declined. I'm hoping that since everyone else is getting the shots, I will be okay. I just don't feel right about being part of a test group of millions for a flu shot that rolled out this year and is really untested.

On another note, Dad is doing pretty good. His liver numbers are better, his cancer markers are still going up, and his liver tumors are stable. Mixed messages, but we'll take what we can get. I'm staying at his house a lot these days since he got home from the hospital. He almost took a tumble yesterday when his legs just gave out, and today he lost his balance again. We're trying to keep someone with him so if he does fall, he won't lay on the floor for hours. I can't bear that idea.

And yet another note, Mom is moving in with me this month. She is here now for a few days, and heading home tomorrow to pack some more. She'll be here by December 1 if not before. I'm excited for her to get here and get settled. Is this ironic? She'll be at home and I'll be at Dad's house.... Oh well. Except for family pictures, I have hung one picture since I've been here. I've told her it's up to her to decorate the place. I'm a total minimalist. But her house is lovely. Lots of foo-foo. I've never been a foo-foo kind of girl. I like foo-foo. It's just beyond my ability to create it.

So some friend's donated a couple downed trees for my winter wood, and a couple others and a teen age son cut the trees, hauled them to my house, and now I have a pile of wood waiting to be split and stacked. Unfortunately, I was splitting wood Wednesday and I broke the ax handle. SOS. Now what do I do? In any case, when all is done, I'll have a great winter wood supply. I'm so happy. I love a fire warmed home.

I made some bread this week. It's been much too hot to bake bread this summer. Colder weather just begs me to make soup and bread. The perfect comfort foods.

I'm off to Allicia's tomorrow for the week end. She called me a month or so ago and asked if I could come help with the short guys while she sings in the winter concert, and also while her primary does their program on Sunday. It will be a quick trip. I got my studded tires on yesterday so if (when) I hit snow on the pass, I'll be okay. And of course, I have those horrible, wretched "easy on" tire chains which take a battalion of Mensa members and mechanics to put on. I may just sit and wait out the storm if they, those nefarious people who like to see old ladies out in the snow and slush and wind attempt to put those stupid chains on and then 10 miles down the road, have to take them off.

I'm heading back to Dad's. G'night all.

I think winter is here

We've had snow, cold winds, rain, and frost in October. It may snow tomorrow night with rain predicted for the rest of the week. Yuk.

I've been staying at Dad's off and on for several weeks, since he fell. He seems quite tippy still and we want someone to be there to help him up if he falls again. Rob is there tonight, and Tooty and Oni are visiting, as well. I've been a bit under the weather today, but am feeling better even now. It is a difficult time right now. He has chemo again on Thursday. His beautiful white hair is almost gone now and he is so sad about that. We'll know if this new chemo is working when we get the numbers on Thursday. He is fighting the good fight, but it's taking a lot out of him. He needs a lot of rest these days. He is eating very well. I've been eating very well. He needs the weight. I, on the other hand, do not. But I will keep cooking for him in an attempt to fatten him up. Or at least keep him from fading away.

I have been alone here in my little farm house in paradise for almost two years, but that solitary life will end soon. Mom is coming to live with me. It is difficult for her to pack and move and downsize. It's a brave thing for her to do. I've been moving books into my room, trying to make space for her couch, book cases, and pretties. And TV. Wow. I'm going to have to watch myself with that. TV is such a time sucker. I haven't had a TV for some 5 years. I watch it at Dad's now, but when people talk about shows or commercials, I haven't got a clue what they are talking about.

In the positive column, work is going well, Mom is moving up here, I'm writing poetry again, and we'll be getting firewood next Saturday for the winter. Yes, many good things are happening.

By Golly, It Was Good News

We spent half an hour or more speaking with Dad's oncologist. Four of his nine children showed up to share the moment with him, to support him. Even though the tumor marker numbers in his blood are going up, a problem, of course, the tumors have not changed. His brain is clear of malignancies. His esophagus, where this journey began, is clear...that tumor has disappeared. He will start a new chemo regime tomorrow. He's willing to give it a chance, and if it doesn't work, head for Arizona.

We can live with that. He can too. I'm hoping for a long, long time.

Winter? Heck No!

The trees are starting to change colors for the autumn ball they all attend before they go to sleep for the winter. There's snow on the mountains across the canyon, which means it will snow here soon. I tell myself I'm not sad to see summer fade. But I am sad. Change is an inherent part of being in this human existence, but I want more warmth before the cold comes and bites at my face and scratches my arms and freezes my toes.

Too bad. It is what it is.

Dad has his scan tomorrow and gets the results Tuesday. His tumor markers have been steadily going up the last few months and the chemo isn't doing any good anymore. After his fall last week, he seems frail and sad, but determined as he always is to get better. He is a man with a plan. Two weeks ago, he drove himself home from hunting camp in Montana. He wants to head back there for some fishing before the year is up. He's talking about heading to Arizona to get a second opinion from Mayo Clinic. Like I said, he's a man with a plan. He's my hero.

So I will close this afternoon and head over to his house for the night. Rob will be over in the morning to take him for his tests and I'll head to work. They are so compassionate at my job. I'm a very lucky lady.

I hope to happily report good findings from his tests here on Wednesday.

I'll keep you posted.

Grasshopper

Somehow, this grasshopper just isn't as fast or efficient as she used to be. I don't know if I'm slow because I'm doing it alone this year, where in earlier seasons I had a partner in crime to work with--a sister, a child or two. But it doesn't matter. I just think how wonderful my work will taste when the winter wind blows.

I'm done for now. Tomorrow after work, I'll continue to peel and pack peaches.

Life smells sweet tonight. Makes me smile.

The End

You guys are funny.

important stuff

Now that my summer has quieted down some, I feel I need to get back to some things I've neglected in the busyness of beautiful warm days, playing with grandchildren, and visiting family and friends. Like writing here. Like cleaning my bathroom. Like vacuuming.

Okie dokie, well I can cross one thing off my list.

Hello.

I think I'll go have a nap.

How I spent my summer vacation

grandma camp

Sunrise means the adventure begins...

Skatebord surfing

Sharing a secret with Great-Grandpa

Sharing some sister time

Nummy
things to eat

Cartwheels...this kid is the
fastest, bestest cartwheeler
in the universe!!!

Building sand castles is very important and takes much concentration

The turrets have
to be just right...
















And the moat
must hold back water...

The walls
must be
straight and tall

And we'll line everything
with rocks...
lots of rocks...

Camp food can't be beat...

We pick cherries
to share with friends
so many cherries
so many friends

Lions and tigers and . . . a princess?

A moment to contemplate the universe...

They stop when they drop...sunset is welcome.

The end

Cherries

Harvest was the worst ever. Not because there were no cherries or that the cherries were damaged by rain or hail. Because everyone had the best harvest ever. So by the time we began picking cherries, the packing houses were full and we had no where to send them. There was one estimate that 100 tons of cherries are falling off the trees right now. Just in our orchard. And there are dozens of other ranchers in the same situation. There was no where to sell them so there was no money to pick them so there will be no income from harvest this year. Instead of a 10 to 14 day harvest, ours lasted 4 days before the packing house closed us down. Will we even make enough to cover the expenses incurred for the picking we did? For the upkeep of the orchard? To cover the expenses of caring for the trees until next harvest, which we hope will be a great (financially speaking) year. We don't know yet.

It is blasted hot here, over 100 for the last week and predicted for the next week. Right now we really are in rancher's hell. More fruit than we've ever had. No way to get it off the trees and to the consumers.

Dad says: "Next year. Maybe next year."

I didn't come here to...

When I came here to earth, I’m sure I was one of those spirits who thought she was going to be amazing and be able to meet and greet all challenges with grace and integrity and be 100% honest and honorable. But it seems I’m much more fallible, fragile, and foolish than I thought I would be before I left heaven. And it’s so hard sometimes. There is such a difference between studying and observing something and living it. The Theory versus Reality thing.

I’m not whining. I’m just trying to figure out this whole spiritual being/ human being paradox.

One thing I know for sure:

Two days and counting

Harvest officially begins for us on Thursday. But it may be over by Saturday. There are so many cherries, the price is down. If the price for the fruit is so low that it costs more to pick and pack then we earn in income, we obviously can't afford to continue with harvest. What does that mean? I guess it means the fruit will hang on the trees until it falls to the ground and we'll try again next summer.

bad day to irritate the grandma

Counting down

Cherries are getting riper. Next week we'll start picking. The crop is HUGE. Unfortunately, everyone's crop is huge and the packing houses don't have room for it all. Some orchards are leaving part of their crops hanging on the trees--there's no room for them at the packing houses. They have so much fruit, they are only accepting really big, really fat cherries. The smaller cherries will go for freezers or brine. Last year, the crop was damaged by hail. This year, the price is damaged by abundance.

Farmers are the biggest gamblers on the planet.

Happy Father's Day

Yesterday was a glorious day. Brothers and sisters came from all around bringing kids and grandkids for an afternoon of family and food.

Dad is doing pretty good. His last scan showed the tumors growing and his doc is putting him back on IV chem starting this week. This is an unexpectedly bad turn from my perspective. I thought he was healing, going into remission, and that his cancer would continue to go away until it was all gone. Some of it is all gone. And his liver function is good. Am I foolish to believe that healing can happen?

Dad is so positive about how well he's doing. But then, he doesn't talk about pain or side effects of the oral chemo he's taking or the cancer or his outcome except he's making long term plans to travel this winter, go hunting in Montana, do a little fishing as the mood grabs him, and talking about the amazing harvest that is just weeks away.

I'm blessed to be here in Paradise just down the road from my Dad. I'm enjoying this opportunity to reconnect, build and rebuild, and simply hug him every day.

zillions of cherries

My world has been changing these last couple months. The trees that fill my universe have gone from cold, empty sticks, to trees covered with leaves. Then one day, the orchards were alive with blossoms and the humming of bees working, gathering, pollinating, and making cherry tree honey. The hum echoed into my brain and played there in a loop of calming sound.




As the blossoms fell off, little green rocks started growing and soon the trees were covered in baby cherries. The magic that makes this happen is built into an ancient memory of tree and soil and branch and one day--baby cherries.


When I take my walks in the morning, I see a yellow transparency being replaced by the blush of summer. Pink will soon turn to red, then as the heat of days continues, each cherry will become a beautiful mahogany color--deep, dark red with the rich sweetness that comes near harvest. The perfect cherry is a bit crunchy and yet fills your mouth with juice and joy. I do not wish that moment to be here too soon. I feel sort of a breathless "waiting for the circus to arrive in town" anticipation which makes the first perfect cherry even sweeter, more appreciated, a moment to be savored.

As I wander around here in paradise, nature is moving at her own relentless pace. Rains come and the trees drink. Sun shines and the cherries grow, change color, and ripen. Night then day then night. Sometimes in my plan making, when I worry about some disaster or imagined disaster, when I lie in bed at night and can't sleep because of the possibilities in my future, or my perceived lack of possibilities; I think of the example nature grants me every day. Each tree continuing to grow life sustaining fruit because that is its mission. Therein lies its joy. I get caught up in the thick of thin things and forget sometimes that I'm just here temporarily. That I had a mission before I got here to this world, and it will continue when I leave. I worry and sorrow and fret and forget. Silly me.

The Lord has given me paradise to immerse my heart and soul in. He's given me the example of the cherry tree, fulfilling its mission because that is the right thing for it to do. He's given me the love and care of family, the joy of children, the fellowship of good friends, and the blessing of pleasant work.

My heart has been heavy of late with concerns over children and parents and my health and the daily details of life. But when I stop and sit under (or in) a cherry tree, I remember that I'm not the one that's really in charge. Heavenly Father is. If I can be still, hear His counsel, heed it and act, then I feel the peace of His abiding love seep into my soul, take away my fear, and lead me where I need to go.

Very simple, really. Not necessarily easy, but very simple.

2 inches in 2 hours

The rain danced on the road in front of my house this week. At one point in time, the wind was blowing the rain sideways. The storm was complete with lightening and thunder.

It was awesome.

It's a beautiful day

I made it through the heart cath ok. One of my bypass grafts has failed, but Dr. Heart said the flow through the vessel remaining is good. Otherwise, he said, I'm in great shape for the shape I'm in. I'm on restricted duty today--can't sit too long, lift over 10 pounds, must lay down and rest, blah blah blah. I'm itching to get outside and plant something. Anything. The wise woman inside me says "Ah, No." She's such a drag.

Other than that, summer is here. It may be 100 out today. And tomorrow. Sunscreen time.

My blessing cup is full and running over. Thank you all for your prayers and calls.

I love you.

Starting again again

Last night after work I went to get my hair trimmed and decided I needed something different. Oh, my. I haven't had my hair this short since I was what, two. Whaddaya think?


I went to see a cardiac PA (my cardiologist left town) last week. Joel. I was concerned, but this guy read my chart, listened to me, checked me out and agreed there might be a problem. He changed some meds to deal with my chemistry more aggressively. Hmmm. And he set me up for a cardiac catheterization. I've done the treadmill thing. I'm doing the diet thing -- pass the lettuce please. (OK, I'd rather have a bath in chocolate ice cream..Tillamook Mudslide to be precise), but other than that, I'm not doing too bad. I've been doing Yoga. And I live in paradise. But...

Today I go for a cardiac catheterization. I'm going to do something about my escalating chest pain before I go into crisis. What am I saying...this whole thing is causing me to rethink what's going on in my life all over again. I heard that we should never let a good crisis go to waste. I plan to put this one to work for me and focus...refocus, again.

I begin again, changing, forgetting, remembering what I'm supposed to be doing, and then getting busy and forgetting again. Last summer when I was trying to figure out how to improve my health. I prayed and the good Lord answered me "WALK." So I did walk for a while. I don't remember why, but I got busy with other things and didn't walk anymore. In prayer the other night I went to sleep praying about my health and woke up with the thought on my mind: "I told you to walk." So I have been walking.

I'll let you know how everything comes out. This cath thing is a same day procedure, and I should be home later this afternoon. Unless they have to put in a stent. There is one cardiac artery that hasn't been worked on. Joel said that is a possibility. Then I won't be home until tomorrow. Okie dokie.

This reminds me that I haven't been forthcoming with expressing my care for you--my children, family, and friends. Take care. I love you.

Magic

My computer magically started working again. One of my daughters bargained with the ghost that occasionally visits my house (used to live here, actually), and my computer started working again (of course there's more to this story and really we're not crazy and my ghost just wanted me to get more rest, I think, but it's ok because I promised her I would and how can you lie to a ghost when you never know when she will be watching you, right?) None of my clocks started working however. And they all weren't electric, 2 were battery operated so it wasn't a power surge that knocked everything out.

So....Hello.

Spring has snuck up on me. The lilac bush in the corner of my yard is blooming and that wonderful purple smell just reaches out and grabs me every time I am anywhere near it. I was at Target last week and this rather large young woman squeezed her very ample bottom into a teeny tiny short very tight little skirt that left nothing to the imagination...and her high heels clicked along across the parking lot and men were literally stopping in their tracks and staring at her as she walked by. I don't think it was because they thought she was overwhelmingly attractive. There was rather a consensus of unbelief in their stares. My lilac bush is kind of like that young woman. Any time I get near the lilac bush, I am pulled toward it and I can't help but stare at it with my nose. I'm helplessly attracted to it. The large hussy in the corner of my yard.

I started my garden again. I planted peas several weeks ago, but alas, only four scrawny little pea plants came up (OK, you were right, it was too cold to plant peas, I admit it). So I transplanted them to a shady part of the garden and replanted another whole package of peas to go along with them and planted tomatoes where the peas were because that side of the porch gets more sun. So we'll see if I get peas. I also planted some zucchini. I have other things I want to plant as well, but have much work to do before I can put much more in the ground.

I'm so glad to be back.

ok now what?

Last night Allicia said start my computer in safe mode and told me how to do it and it started! Then she told me, over the phone, how to reset the date for before my computer didn't feel good and I did that. Then after I restarted it, it didn't work again. But the good news is that if it restarted once, maybe its just got indigesgion and if I take it to a computer doctor then maybe they can make it all better and work again. So that's the plan. Until then, I have to beg computer use from others. It's very quiet at my house.

blue screen of death

Well, two days ago, my computer failed me. I got the blue screen of death and haven't been able to get it to come on since then. I'm hoping it will magically heal itself, but so far, no such luck.

I'll keep you posted.

Dreams do come true

watch this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=luRmM1J1sfg

Susan Boyle, you go girl!

Happy Easter

It is Easter morning and I'm going to be late for church if I don't get going. This morning when the sun was coming up I got a bit nostalgic about past Easters when the kids woke up early to find the eggs the Easter Bunny hid even earlier. New Easter outfits. Family dinner. Lots of little ones running around. Spring's promise sealed with baby green leaves on the trees and daffodils. Deviled eggs--lots of deviled eggs, and egg salad sandwiches, and dry mouth from eating hard boiled eggs. When there's a pot load of kids, there's a lot of hard boiled eggs. Yellow peeps. Chocolate bunnies. Black jelly beans (Big Grandma's favorite--I like 'em too). Chocolate malted milk eggs. And after the Easter egg hunt and hard boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, the mad rush to get everyone ready for church. And celebrating the hope of Easter, the resurrection of Jesus Christ our Savior. The gospel of Jesus Christ has brought so much light into my life and I honestly don't know where I would be in this world without it. I am so thankful for the many promises of Easter, for the possibilities. Each day is a new day with a new opportunities. I miss my children and grandchildren. I'll be heading over to have family dinner with Rob and Shari and Dad. Quiet compared to past Easters, but full of love and good food. For this beautiful day, for my Savior and Redeemer, for my family, for my friends, my gratitude cup is running over. My life is full of love and hope. It is a good day.

SPRING!!!

Ok, so it's finally feeling like spring here in paradise. I'm really liking that even though I had a fire in the fireplace last night, the sprouts loved the fire thing, little arsonists in the making perhaps. And it got cold in here tonight so the fire is crackling away again. But I don't care because the last couple days have been lovely and the sun was shining and I got to take a walk with the sprouts and work in the garden and enjoy my beautiful view of the valley, so how does it get better than this?


My sprouts came for spring break and we went to Leavenworth for the day yesterday. It was a beautiful day as opposed to the blizzard, cold, snowy days April 1 and 2. We decided to forget buying a main dish, ate our carrots, cheese sticks, and pretzels, and opted for buying ice cream, because everyone knows the importance of ice cream when you're out on the town. It was an eight wipes dessert. Yum.

And today, the sprouts and I wandered through the orchard in my back yard, and guess what? The cherries are budding. This means it is really really spring and hopefully won't snow again till winter sneaks in through autumn and hits us with its best shot.


So I celebrated by enlisting the sprouts' help in cleaning up my little garden spot, digging in the dirt (Bug loved that part) and after they headed over the mountain, I PLANTED PEAS! I am so happy tonight here in Paradise.

Spring?

Oh man. I got my studded tires off yesterday, picked the car up on the way home and then drove home in a snow storm. Welcome spring. There's snow on the car window and ground, fog hugging the valley, and no sun sitting on the eastward mountains. I'm trying not to be depressed but come on, I bought flower seeds yesterday...not yet, I guess. On Monday, I picked out clothes for the week, but today, I'm going hunting for pants instead of a skirt. I just don't want the icy cold sneaking up my skirt and frosting my cheeks.

It's hurry up and wait for spring.

OK. I'm waiting.

Snow, Spring, and other thoughts

Ah, last week end I had the best time. I went through the Seattle temple as Allicia's escort. I was so happy as I waited for her to finish and come to me in the celestial room. What joy I felt.

I got to see Katie, Josh and the kids. Two grandsons stayed with me Saturday night. Trying to sleep with them was kind of like spending the night wrestling a couple alligators. I sure miss my grandkids. Sunday, I went to church with Josh and the kids in my previous ward. It was so wonderful to see so many friends. More joy.

I drove into a blizzard on the way home Sunday afternoon. Chains were required so I spent some 45 minutes putting chains on...in the blowing snow, in the cold, in the wind. I was frozen, wet, and very very frustrated at how hard it was to put on my Les Schwab "easy on" chains. KIRO channel 7 TV was up there interviewing motorists at the chain-on area. So I had me a little temper tantrum on TV. And they ran it. I must say, no one could have mistaken my feelings at that moment. Rob taped it for me. Thankfully the two guys they interviewed after me said esentially the same thing I did--without the hissy fit.

Dad is doing well. He is tired of being housebound. He's gone with Rob this week end. He and I are heading for Tri Cities next week end. Then he's going to Klamath Falls with Deb and the kids to see Jeff the following week. He's talking about heading for Montana in May for some fishing with friends who live there. Maybe if he runs fast enough, lonely won't catch him.

I am happy to be home today. There are things I need to do in town, but I'm thinking not today. Today is the first day of spring and I'm planning my garden even though I probably won't plant anything for another few weeks. I'm doing laundry, dishes, and may get to other chores as well. Thinking about getting my clothes line out of the basement. I'll have to have Rob move the wood bins. Soon. Very soon.

It's a good day to listen to music, move slowly, day dream a bit, and enjoy the sunshine. Life is good here in paradise.

on the road again

I have been in a blue funk all week. Last week while the guys were gone, I was over at Dad's organizing some paperwork. Carmen had some beautiful CDs and a little radio/CD player. I wandered around the house looking for it...I finally found it when I was almost done hidden under a bunch of papers on the desk. But while I was looking, I wandered into Dad & Carmen's bedroom. There was her bathrobe, hanging on the door. I looked around the room and she was everywhere. On every surface, her beautiful treasures. I didn't look, but I'm sure the closet and dressers are full of her clothes. I was overwhelmed with the knowledge that she is gone. I can only guess why Dad doesn't change anything, perhaps it is comforting to him. I'm not asking him right now if I can help. I don't really know if I would be of much help right now anyway. So if you're wondering why I have been silent the past week, the answer is sadness.

Having said that, I'm heading to Seattle this week end to visit kids and grandkids. Allicia is going to the temple tomorrow and I'm going to be her escort. What an honor.

My arms ache to hold a child, so I'll overdose on little ones this week end. I hope to visit my daughters, maybe go to church with Josh and the kids. It will be a good week end.

Life goes on. Moving, traveling, mourning, healing.... A time and a season for everything. Right now is the time for me to pack my car.

Thanks for listening.

Praise The Lord For Studs

It started snowing this afternoon. Snowed harder during yoga. Was a blizzard when I was driving home. But coming up the hill wasn't a problem with my studded tires. Got me home in good shape. I'm not too worried about getting to work tomorrow. The snow plow/sander comes by here in the morning to clear the road for the school bus. And I do have my studded tires.

I keep waiting for spring. It keeps not coming. I know we need the snow and all, but holy smokes, how about some spring here. Isn't it time to plant peas or something? I'm just sure it is.

Soon.

Very soon.

good times

I had the opportunity to go on a road trip Friday and Saturday. Dad and I went to see family a couple hours away,visit, stayed over night, had a big family dinner and breakfast, and a little birthday party for my grandson. It was a GREAT weekend. How blessed I am to have so many people to love. Dad drove most of the way home because he wanted to see if he could do it. He's planning a fishing trip to Montana in May. He'll drive. Probably by himself. I worry about him but I'm also celebrating his recovery. Some say it is a temporary reprieve from a progressive, terminal illness. I don't think so anymore. The tumors are shrinking. Some are gone. Even his blunt oncologist expressed optimism at his last appointment. Time will tell.

Church was a spiritual feast yesterday. And this evening I attended family home evening with a few of my single friends. What joy to share a meal, visit, and learn from each other. Topics ranged from eternal marriage, to the importance of food storage, to missionary work, to the economy, to unidentified flying objects, and back to family. It is so nice to laugh with friends.

Tomorrow is yoga, an activity I'm enjoying immensely. My yoga buddy, Shari, and I encourage each other, laugh at some of the positions we get into, and feel great when we leave.

My blessing cup is running over.

Snow Again

We got two inches of snow a week ago Tuesday, then it melted. It snowed Sunday night, then melted. And tonight, it started snowing again (snow is predicted for tomorrow and Friday morning as well, then sunshine again). We do live in the mountains so I guess having snow is predictable. Still, a water guy I talked to last week said we're in a drought with 30% of the needed snow pack. He hasn't had to shovel my walk or sweep off my car, I'll tell you that.

I started taking Yoga. I have always thought yoga is a good idea, the flexibility, the flowing energy, the gentle exercise. Holy crap. I just didn't understand it was so hard. This week I learned... I can still stand on my head (sort of)...I need to trim my toe nails (when you're holding your feet in your hands--well actually I'm holding my knees, my arms are too short to hold my feet-- then your toes are right there with long scraggly toe nails that are shouting "for crying out loud, why have you been avoiding us lately?)...the warrior pose is harder than it looks...so is the dog pose, the scorpio pose, the triangle pose, and that little jumpy thing they do to transition the feet from front to back--forget about it...doing the back bend these days is darn near impossible...sometimes I forget to breathe (this is a bad thing)...my the scar tissue around the wires holding my breast bone together seems to be breaking apart affording me greater mobility (painful at the moment tissue tears away from wires or whatever it's adhered to, but then better movement)...I told my instructor I was wired--she looked at me very funny (few people will put their mats next to me now)...Finishing feels soooo good!

blogesphere

I've been dancing through the blogesphere and came upon these, my new favorite blogs.

http://thisiswhyyourefat.com/rss
http://myendlessinspiration.blogspot.com/
http://ambulancedriverfiles.blogspot.com/

and for an application to the best job on the planet (closes tomorrow)
http://www.islandreefjob.com/

Enjoy.

eybrows

ok, I really love this

Miracles and magic

Today was a very good day on several fronts. Dad got a scan on Tuesday but had to wait until today to get the results. I worked a couple hours this morning and I met him and Rob at the clinic to hear the results. His cancer has reduced in size 80% from the size it was when he was first diagnosed in September. All tumors are smaller. Some are gone. He said, "now I can make some plans" and he's thinking about taking a friend to Wildhorse Casino before orchard work kicks in and they are both too busy.

My boss gave me a gift certificate to Bed, Bath, and Beyond for Christmas. I went there today and spent an hour or more picking things, putting some back, finding something else...I don't know if I can explain the simple joy of picking a totally frivolous item and knowing I can get it if I want it. I'm not to that point yet in my own personal situation, but thanks to my boss, I did it today. WHAT FUN!

Last Saturday I got to observe an amazing event. My son-in-law, Josh, and his son, Zian got baptized. Josh has been talking with missionaries for a couple years. And finally I was invited to his baptism. And Zian turned 8 last year, but is terrified of water, hates to get wet, and especially hates to get his face wet. So he opted out of getting baptised. Josh was baptized, confirmed, and ordained with the authority to baptise. And he baptised Zian. Zian just walked into the font, into the arms of his father, went under the water, came out and quietly and calmly walked out of the font with his Dad. It was miraculous.

It has been cold and snowing the last couple days. My fire is burning in the fireplace. I'm planning on spending Valentine's dinner with the family tomorrow night...I'm making banana cream pie. The magic is that winter is swirling around me and I am comfy and warm, I have been surrounded with chaos for so long--even recently--and today I feel secure and content...there are so many quiet and loud miracles that make me smile tonight. I think this is peace.

A Weak Week

It has been a week since Carmen died. Her services were on Monday and many people came, honored her, supported my dad, and told Carmen stories.

Today I am fighting a cold. I'm tired but having difficulty sleeping. I'm sure this odd discomfort with the familiar will pass, but for now, it is disconcerting.

We all miss her. Even though she was a small woman in stature, her leaving has left behind many hearts speckled with holes. I guess it's time to get out the emotional spackle and start covering the holes.

Maybe not.

Good Bye My Second Mother

This afternoon, just after 3:00, Carmen died. Her husband and several of her blended children were there to bid her farewell. We rolled her from side to side so she wouldn't get sore, rubbed her chapped lips with cream, and dabbed her mouth with a cloth to clear fluid she was no longer able to swallow. Choosing to die at home is a much gentler death than a hospital death with IVs and tubes and nurses taking blood pressures and such. She was up briefly early this morning, and then she went to bed and began the work of dying. When I stopped in around noon to see if there were any chores I could help with, Deb said that Mom was leaving. Intellectually, I knew that she was going to die at some future point, but this had a time frame attached to it--soon. Today. Clocks are tangible and there are end points...five minutes gone between each number, fifteen minutes gone, an hour gone. Carmen was really leaving. My heart was not grasping the concept. Dad and Carmen have been struggling with the flu since yesterday. He was trying to sleep between bouts of misery, when we woke him and told him she was leaving. He went into the bedroom and laid down across the foot of her bed, touching her and crying. His partner. His balance and ballast. Leaving him. And the greatest insult, leaving this life first. That was not part of his plan. He told me "I was supposed to go first."

Giving in to death is much like giving birth. She worked very hard to breathe. Even with oxygen she struggled, grasping for air to fill lungs that were rattling and filling with fluid, leaving less and less space for air. And then there was a transition point. After that, her breathing got quieter, softer, and less of a struggle until death wrapped itself around her and she snuggled in and left us somewhere between the last breath and the next one that never came.

Father Tom came and gave her last rites and commended her soul to God. That was a comfort to Dad. It is a ritual I have never witnessed. It was a gentle brief ceremony and as the priest left, Dad said he would be calling soon.

Her suffering is done. Her life--an honorable mission completed. The pain she chased around with medication, sometimes winning, sometimes weary with it, is gone. She is free. We, her husband and children, her family and friends, love her. I believe she went to a higher sphere where, this afternoon, another part of her loving family and friends greeted her with a big welcoming committee complete with hugs and tears and laughter and phrases like "you'll never guess what I'm doing now...." That thought is a comfort to me. Even so, tonight I can't stop the tears.

hospice

I stopped in to see the folks on my way home. It's been difficult not knowing ... but tonight Carmen said "a couple of hospice nurses stopped in this afternoon to see if I needed anything." I didn't know what to say. I flashed on the thought...wait a minute, this isn't what I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear that she's just had a setback and now she's on track and this summer during harvest she'll still make those bologna sandwiches on white bread with shasta pop and chips for lunch for the family/crew. But it isn't going to be alright. And she's probably seen her last cherry harvest. It was her way of telling me "I know I'm dying and I'm getting prepared." The conversation just slid along like she had said, "I'm getting my hair trimmed tomorrow." I said, "I have a friend who is a hospice nurse. She's an amazing woman. Is there anything you need, anything I can do." "Oh no," she says, "I'm fine."

Work and other thoughts

I have been working for a couple weeks as an "employee." The thing about my job is that I work for a gastroenterologist (doc of the digestive system: esophagus, stomach, intestines, gall bladder, and liver). A lot of people come in for a base line check when they turn 50...referred by their own doc. Some come in because they are having problems swallowing or with severe heartburn. A few come in with bleeding when they go potty. That's usually bad. And there is the prep they have to do to clean the colon out which is rather like a really intense case of the flu and totally not fun at all. Lots of toilet time. Plus the clear liquids and fasting thing. So some people come in really grumpy. But most just want to get it over with. So here we are, and the patient gets such good service, quality care, and caring staff. Really. It's amazing how I've never heard one complaint (granted I've only been there a couple weeks and then before that as a temp) but really, people compliment the staff, are grateful for the time and energy the doctor and nurses put into their care, and the genuine caring. So I'm in a good place with good people helping patients do preventative care mostly, and sometimes corrective care. Occasionally the outcome is sad. Even then it's a relief to know what's wrong. Colon cancer is mostly slow growing and can usually be detected early with a colonoscopy every 3 to 5 years and then it can be taken care of. It's not a glamorous job. But it can save lives. I appreciate the opportunity to be a part of such a great team. I'm on my own after next Friday. I have one week with the other receptionist before she's gone. Today I told her to tell me everything that she hasn't so far told me. There are a lot of little details. She just laughed at me. I'm not too worried because the nurses and the doctor are all open to helping me. It's already great, and it can only get better.

So all that fretting and worrying I did was for nothing. I just had to wait until the job was open so I could get it. The Lord knew that. Now I know that. I thought I had faith. What I had was endurance. But my faith was thin sometimes. And He blessed me anyway. Isn't that amazing?

On the home front, the news is mixed for the folks. Carmen had a scan this week and all Dad would say is that "it doesn't look good." Carmen won't say anything. She is looking sad and miserable and Dad won't look me in the eye when he talks about how she's doing. When we talk about how my job is going, he's very engaged. But not about what's going on with her. I don't know if he knows and just can't talk about it, if she's asked him not to talk about it, or if he really doesn't know the true extent of what's going on. I think it's the middle one. She's a very private person and it's her right to disseminate her medical information where, how, and to whom she chooses.

Dad is maintaining. He said the docs said it's a just brief reprieve. He says he'll discuss it with them next year. He looks thin, that's for sure. Since Carmen hasn't been feeling well the last week or so, they haven't been eating very well, so I started taking stuff over again. I know it used to irritate her, but I don't think she has the energy to be irritated with me anymore.

I just don't know how to do this. Watching someone you love die is so difficult. I cry a lot. Sometimes not even over them, just over stupid daily irritations. I was keeping my house up so nice, but since I started working, it's coming down around my ears. And I hate that. I forgot a very important commitment this week. So stupid.

Dying this way--slowly-- is a family process. I can't imagine them gone. I moved here to reestablish my relationship with them. A relationship that wasn't strained, but I was busy raising kids and working and going to school. I came to see them as often as I could, which wasn't much. So I moved here to paradise a year ago. And we were all excited. They were. I was. My brothers were. It has been a wonderful year. And just as my life is coming together, theirs is coming apart.

WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE? CAN ANYONE TELL ME?

Is it really the 9th?

I spent a great New Year's week at home with my granddaughter, Mom and Andy. The kid and I went sledding and we built a 10 foot long snow monster in my front yard. We drank hot cocoa with ghost marshmellows and before bed we had sleepy time tea. I miss my little partner in crime.

On Tuesday night/Wednesday morning, we had a Chinook wind with an attitude blow through here. A neighbor clocked the wind at 95 miles an hour. Seriously. I slept on the couch because the wind and rain were hitting my bedroom window so hard it sounded like the Marine Drum and Bugle Corp. Then the power went out. I have candles and blew them out before midnight to pretend to sleep. Shortly after that I heard a bang from my bedroom...sounded like a tree hit the side of the house (I have a cherry orchard in my backyard). So I opened my bedroom door and it was raining in my room and the wind was blowing and it was horrible. My window blew out. It was dark, my candles wouldn't stay lit so I could explore the situation and see how much damage was done (note to self, get batteries for the flashlight) so I did the only thing that could be done. I closed the door and called my brother. On my cell phone because the power was out and my telephone wasn't working. His smoke alarms were going off because their power was out. We decided there was nothing to be done in the dark, so I just laid there the rest of the night expecting to be in Oz by morning. But I wasn't, no witch's legs with magic shoes under the corner of my house, no munchkins to help clean up the mess, no critters and creatures to give a rip about my broken window, so I covered the window in my bedroom with a board, picked up broken glass, and called it adequate. Then I went into the little bedroom adjacent to my room because the basement door is in that room and I wanted to check and see if the basement was flooded (it wasn't) and holy smokes, the window in that room had blown out. But I was late for work (always a bad thing to be late at a new job) so I called my brother again and he said he'd come over and see what he could do. He called my landlord and together they installed new glass in my windows before noon.

I have been having problems with dimming lights, a stove and microwave that weren't working and heaters that didn't put out any heat since the big wind. Today a PUD Power Guy came by and asked, "you having power problems?" "Yep." "Got a loose wire up there," he pointed to the power pole, "I'll have to turn your power off for a few minutes to fix it." And he did. Now I can use my computer (haven't since Tuesday), talk on my phone, and cook. Unfortunately, everything in the freezer thawed out. But other than that, I'm back in business.

The foot and a half of snow that was in my front yard is gone. Our beautiful snow monster is just a memory. I asked Dad if it was time to plant peas. He laughed at me. There will be more snow, he assured me. Okie dokie, I'll take that as a not yet.

So that's how my year started. New job, new windows, new haircut (did I say I cut my hair?) So far, so good. I'm still breathing and really, that's my number one priority for this year.

Happy new year. (356 days till Christmas....something to think about.)