Vadalias always make me cry

I cooked some fresh out of the garden green beans…made em the way mom did. Fry some bacon, sauté some onions (vadalias) and throw the snapped raw beans in the pot to cook. Chopping the onions made me cry which is unusual because I don’t usually chop enough onions to make me cry. But the green beans were worth it.

I know just enough about gardening to appear a bit smart even though I have no real idea what I’m doing. I’ve hacked the heck out of my poor sick squash. Removed infected leaves then washed my clothes and showered before I went back out to the rest of the garden. I don’t want to spread that crud and I don’t know if it catching to my other plants. Some critter is eating my large tomatoes. I have no idea what but I set a hot sauce trap around several pink tomatoes this afternoon. I sprinkled hot sauce on the vines and ground around them hoping that whatever is munching my tomatoes doesn’t like hot sauce and will decide this isn’t a good place to steal from.

I haven’t heard about the job. They told me on Thursday that people were going to be contacted by Friday (yesterday) for interviews so it looks grim for my chances at this job. But I tell myself that Friday was the day before a three day week end and maybe they just went home early and will call me on Tuesday and set me up with an interview and I’ll be incredible and they will hire me on the spot and I’ll start work and life will be just grand. That’s the fantasy. I will, however check tomorrow’s paper for jobs as well. But I’m only crying over onions. This crap isn’t worth crying over, at least not yet.

It is turning cold and I’m not liking it one bit. I need another two or three weeks of really hot weather so I can bottle tomatoes. I’ve got vines full of green tomatoes out there and they just need some sun.

So here I sit on a Saturday night babbling about my garden. I’ve done wash and it’s on the line waiting for me to bring it in. I have fresh bread on the table cooling. I’ve been cleaning and organizing a bit (I can only take a bit of that kind of thing at a time and then I get really nervous). For some reason, I’m a bit discombobulated tonight. I’m not sure why but it’s like I’m on the verge of thinking a really great thought and it just won’t come to me even though I can feel it lurking around the edges of my brain and am anticipating how wonderful it will be when it reveals itself to me and I just can’t grab hold of it. Don’t you hate that?

A guy named Norman Allen said “Lord, I don’t ask for faith that would move yonder mountain. I can take enough dynamite and move it, if it needs movin’. I pray, Lord, for enough faith to move me.”

It’s time for me to be up and moving.

Happy Sabbath.

Today is a good day

Today I have been home. I love being in my little home. I’ve cleaned a bit, cooked a bit, organized a bit and prepared for a meeting that was canceled. But I was prepared and that’s the good part. And I got to visit with a good friend and that’s the other good part. I am content tonight. And that’s the best part.

I made a huge pan of brownies with fudge frosting, that’s the bad part. Now what am I going to do with a whole huge pan of brownies I ask you. Too bad Stevie isn’t around. Whenever grandma made brownies, he always showed up at her house. It was like he had brownie radar or something. He was brownie psychic. But he’s not near by so I’ll have to figure something else out. I’m sure something will come to me.

Garden update: I am giving little tomatoes away, there are too many for me to eat. Not enough big ones to can yet, but it’s just a matter of time—a week maybe, or less. My squash and pumpkins have mold or something. I sprayed them with vinegar and garlic juice last night but Rob told me to just cut the infected leaves off. I’ll have to do that when I come home tomorrow. I hit everything with miracle grow yesterday. Just want to keep encouraging them to grow and give me lots of veggies.

Did I say today is a good day? Ah yes, I did.

Morning in Paradise

Today I will go to work smelling like eau de tomato. I went out and picked tomatoes this morning. It’s official. I’ve been waiting for this moment. I picked more tomatoes than I could eat while standing in the garden. I’m so excited. Mostly cherry and grape tomatoes, but I’ve gotten 2 larger red, ripe tomatoes. Oh man, I’ll be canning tomatoes in a week or two. This paradise thing is WONDERFUL. What a great way to start the day.

More questions?

1. How long does it take to get from here to there?
• Longer if you have kids in the car.
2. What do you do if the chocolate cake falls and you have company coming?
• Pour fudge sauce on it, squirt it with whipping cream and call it lava cake. (What if it isn’t chocolate cake? Get real.)
3. What do I do if I get a run in my stockings?
• My philosophy is sandals in the summer, boots in the winter. Runs are irrelevant to my lifestyle. (In stockings and jogging…have you ever seen a jogger smile? No. I rest my case).

Questions

If the Lord was sitting in my living room right now, what would I be doing? (Looking around I see laundry on my couch waiting to be folded and put away, I see mail scattered across the top of my table, a box in the chair waiting to be emptied, stacks of paper on the end tables, floors that need to be vacuumed or swept and the list goes on.) Should I hop up and clean, or at least throw the clutter into another room, or is it too late for that?

The Lord is sitting on my couch. Should I fold clothes and visit with him? Should I fix him dinner?

What one question would I want him to answer? If he asks me for an accounting of my time and talents, what would I tell him?

I ask these questions of myself and feel happy and sad. There is much I’m doing right, much I feel good about. And there’s a lot of room for improvement.

I honestly believe it’s not how far I’ve gotten on this journey called life. I think what’s important is that I’m moving in the right direction, toward my Savior, moving my feet even though they and my heart are blistered and tired and overwhelmed. Willing to climb over or go around the rocks in the road, willing to cross the streams and deserts, and mountains and appreciate the scenery rather than curse the challenge.

If the Lord was in my living room right now, I would sit on the couch beside him, hold his hand, and listen.

What would you do if He came knocking on your door right now?

WHACK...ok I get it now

I have been reading a little book called “Drawing on the Powers of Heaven” by Grant Von Harrison. It’s a book about faith. I thought I was faithful, and I am, but I’m learning so much more. This morning during my walk and prayer, I got whacked up along side of the head. I have been praying for a job but too proud to take “just anything.” Then it occurred to me that—and how stupid is this—I don’t want to work at jobs I’m qualified for because I want more, I want to “use my communication degree,” (read: I was being PROUD) and yet I’ve already talked to family to get help with my rent this month. I ask you do proud people beg for money from others when they are capable of working at something and should be making their own money? NO. I don’t want just any job really, but right now, I need a real job. And if it works out, it’ll be just what I want.

I looked in the paper and there are two jobs that I can do. I need to have the faith that my age isn’t going to matter to someone and I’ll be able to get some kind of job. I’m a hard worker. Dependable. Good with people. Okie dokie. I’m heading out this afternoon to pick up applications. I haven’t heard about the other job that I applied for and really want, but I’m not going to sit here and wait for the slow wheels of bureaucracy. If it comes through, I’ll throw a party, sing the halleluiah chorus, and dance in the street…or something like that.

It’s a good day to begin again. I’m so grateful to the Lord for his tender mercies.

Too many choices?

Well, it’s a great day so far. I didn’t make bread yesterday, so the first thing I did this morning was start a batch, let it rise while I was on my walk, and it’s now in pans rising for another few minutes before I put it in the oven. It’s been cooler so I don’t think I’ll create an oven in my whole house. I just love the smell of bread baking.

What an opportunity I have been given. When I left my life and business at the beginning of 2004 I had no clue I would wind up here in paradise, searching for a new place in a new world, trying to settle back into myself after the challenges of the past four years. Finishing college was difficult and wonderful and worth it. As a “mature student” (read: oldest person in the class, including professors), I was able to focus on learning and not on exploring myself. You're never too old for education. Really. Even though I cried the whole first week of classes, I got over myself, worked my buns off (I wish) and graduated. But I am not just a college graduate, I learned a lot. I loved the integrated teaching approach at The Evergreen State College; with writing, chemistry, math, anthropology, biology, anatomy and physiology, and critical thinking all intertwined in such a way that together it made so much more sense than taking each of those classes separately. Like I said, college was a good choice.

And now, here I am in paradise, trying to figure out if going backwards is going forward. (Is there a bit of irony in my situation…I wasn’t filled with searching angst while at college, but as a senior citizen I’m wondering what I want to be when I grow up…what is wrong with this picture?) Because I haven’t been able to find a “real” job, should I go back to my previous career, creating a new business here? Should I continue to take temp jobs and submit applications (assuming I don’t get the job I’ve most recently applied for, which I hope I do, but who knows?). I’m not content to just sit on my rear and wait for the world to present me with the perfect opportunity. But where to look, where to look?

Sometimes I forget that one of the things I need to do is write. I have the draft sitting on my computer, been rolling the story around in my head for several months, have the middle ready to put on paper (or on the screen), and have the time to dedicate to it right now. Ok.

There are so many choices, aren’t there? Why do I piss and moan when I have options and opportunities right here in front of me. I’m healthy. I’m smart. I’m blessed. I live in paradise. What better place to start doing what needs to be done. And nothing is exclusive of the other thing. I can write, start a business, submit applications, and wander the roads and orchards around my home being touched by the beauty and bounty of the goodness of the Lord.

Mountains to move, rivers to cross, and bread to take out of the oven. Gotta go.

Enjoying paradise...finally

Some time ago I was praying for health and the Lord whispered to me “Walk.” I thought, “Walk? Hmmm. Sounds like a lot of work to me isn’t there an easier way?” “Walk” was my answer again. Ok. I don’t walk everyday, which I know I should, but I have been walking down the road and through the orchard and it is not only a cardio workout, but whispers peace to my soul and heart. I always feel better when I get home.

This is the way I am. Not the way I want to be, but the way I am. Pray, get an answer, question, answer is repeated. The Lord is very patient with me. I confess to being a slow learner. Verrrrry slllllllllow sometimes.

Today as I walked out my door I wandered around my yard looking at my garden and lo and behold, I have green beans ready to pick. Downtown they have been picking green beans for weeks, but mine are ready today. How about that. Another miracle in my life. And before I headed down the road I brought in laundry that I hung out yesterday afternoon. My grandma would be very disappointed in me for leaving it on the line all night. I confess I completely forgot about it yesterday. I pulled the heads off a dozen dandelions in my front yard. They are the bane of my existence. Putting out their little puff balls to pollute my yard. So every morning I go out and pull the heads off the latest crop and throw them toward the canyon. I was putting them on the edge of the yard, but some of the tricky things, even without their connection to the earth, transformed into puff balls and scattered their little parachutes around. So into the canyon they go.

Then I walked.

I have been stressed over work or rather over not working and over finances and over transportation and over the health of my family and over…well the list just goes on and on. Needless to say, I have been stressing myself out over a lot of things and if I get a moment when I’m not worried about something I can sit down and think and allow something to come to mind that I can worry about. Do you see a pattern here?

I live in paradise. I am a woman of faith. I have never been homeless or hungry. I have people who love me and care for me and help me when I need it. People I can call at 1:00 in the morning to come take me home after a movie because I’m having car trouble. I am one of the luckiest people I know. Why am I wasting my time and energy worrying over things I have no control over? Well, I do have some control over some things…I can walk. I can submit applications. I can continue to pray and read my scriptures. There is much I do have control over. But why worry when I can do? I walk. I submit applications. I petition my Heavenly Father to help me and my family.

I have been in a gratitude desert for the last few days. Looking at what I don’t have instead of what I do have. And that has not been real satisfying for me. In the orchard this morning I looked at the trees. They work all year to make cherries and in a week or two, the cherries are gone; picked, and shipped out. The trees are still green and beautiful, but soon the leaves will fall and they will be naked trees standing forlornly in rows waiting for the snow so they can all go to sleep for three or four months. Winter is the sad part of the year for me, seeing all those lonely branches against the gray skies, trees young and old standing knee deep in snow. But the trees don’t mind it because it’s an important part of the cycle of their lives. The hope of spring, and the joy of summer, and the excitement of the first ripe cherry, it’s all right here for me to experience. I’m sitting here having a pity party because I don’t have a job which will get me up at dark thirty and I will leave my house in paradise and go to an office somewhere downtown and sit and work for eight hours before I can come home to paradise again. What is wrong with this picture?

I decided that today I will cast my burdens on the Lord (that’s one of my favorite verses by the way: “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matthew 11: 28-30). Today I will pick green beans, bake bread, work on my house, submit my resume and cover letter for the job I want, and eat squash (for the rest of the week I'll eat squash--the stuffed squash I baked yesterday is WONDERFUL—I did however opt for chocolate for dessert…what was I thinking, squash for dessert…silly me).

It is a beautiful day. I live in paradise. I have opportunities to work and do and be and enjoy this very moment.

How blessed I am.

I'm blessed with bounty

I went to the garden today and what did I see but a giant acorn squash. They blend in with the leaves and are hard to see. I thought to myself, self, I didn’t think those things got ripe till September but if I leave that on the vine another month it will be 10 pounds and who is going to eat 10 pounds of acorn squash I ask you. So I called my master gardener friend and she said oh no, you harvest them when they are the size of an acorn squash. Okie dokie. The thing is, I’ve been working and it’s been so hot I’ve mostly just watered my little garden and told it how good it’s doing and how proud of it I am and then I’ve left it to its own devices. That is the equivalent of telling a teenager, I’m leaving for the week end, now don’t you have a party, knowing 50 kids will be there by Saturday afternoon for the evening bash. Yes, my garden is totally out of control. The tomato plants have grown into each other, the pumpkin is snaking its way into the tomato patch, and the acorn squash is the bad boy of the garden. It’s invading the beets on one side and the peppers on the other. Plus all these beautiful giant squash. Eight. I picked eight acorn squash this morning. One looks like a regular squash, the rest look like squash on steroids. And there are more on the vines. I did take a knife to some of the squash vines so that my poor peppers could get a bit of sunlight. Anyone got any good squash recipes?

I took one down to my neighbors, going to take one to Carmen, she loves them, and give one to Rob. I don't think Kevin eats squash, but I'll ask. See, I'm down to four.

Don’t think I’m complaining. I’m already planning on squash stuffed with burger, onions, garlic and bacon for dinner and squash stuffed with brown sugar and butter for dessert. See, don’t you think I have this garden thing covered? Yes I do.

I vote illusion...reality...illusion...reality

Today I’m going to color my hair. I thought I wanted to grow it out, let it go white, embrace my natural self.

For months I’ve watched as an inch, then two, now three inches of white hair have appeared on the top of my head. I don’t like it. It doesn’t make me physically feel any younger when my hair is blond. I still have the same fluffy body, aches and pains, and bifocals. But emotionally when I look in the mirror, I want to see color, a vibrancy. If that's what I see then I feel better.

So if there is an actual change in the way I feel about myself, then it’s not total illusion, right? If there’s a shift in how I feel about myself, that’s a real, tangible, internal change. I’ll color my white hair. The illusion part. And feel better about myself. The reality part.

I wonder if this is how I’ve lived my whole life…mixing illusion and reality and winding up with a sense of satisfaction.

Hmmmm. I’m cool with that.

Short Drive

It’s Sunday night and has finally cooled off to 90°. The high was 104° F today (but the weatherman said the RealFeel was 107°). If that means it was HOT, well they are right. The moon is hanging blood red in the sky tonight, huge as it moves across the sky. What a sight from my front porch.

Church was good. The talks and lessons seemed to focus on faith. How do I balance faith with the reality that I haven’t been able to find a good job? Yesterday, I applied for a job that I think would be perfect for me, but if past performance is an indicator … well, I don’t want to think about it. I want to have faith that the Lord knows I need a job. The Lord knows the desire of my heart is to be financially secure, stable, and meet my obligations. The Lord knows I want to work, am capable of working, and have a variety of skills that would make me a good employee. I want to trust that if this isn’t the job for me, that I will still be able to meet my obligations some how, that I didn’t get this job because something even more wonderful is just over the horizon and I need to be patient a bit longer.

So here I sit wrestling with my humanity, hoping for this job, wanting this job, needing a good job, wanting to be faithful, wanting to trust that it’ll all be ok soon, knowing this challenge is but a moment in the span of eternity, knowing that somehow every thing works out because it always has and why not now, feeling weak for doubting … I’m trying not to drive myself crazy over this thing. It’s a short drive tonight.

Grandma bologna and other thoughts

My two kidlets and I slept out on the front lawn Tuesday night to watch the meteor shower. Unfortunately, we fell asleep and when the alarm rang at 2 a.m. (the best part of the show), no one wanted to wake up. But we did sleep outside and that was lovely. I was grandma bologna with a kid snudged up against me on both sides. In fact, I spent a couple nights as grandma bologna due to the fact that the short guys were getting homesick and lonely for their mommies and sleeping with grandma seemed to make it better. My buddies left on Wednesday and my house is so quiet and everything seems to stay where I put it now and there are no incredibly interesting conversations to listen to so here I am in paradise by myself. Peace is nice. Quiet is nice. I miss the laughter the most. Somehow kids come with an innate sense for joy that sucks you into their vortex and fills you up with smiles. I miss my kids and grandkids. Excuse me while I have a little pity party……..

……Ok, I’m better now.

NEXT

It’s hot today and supposed to be upwards of 108° F tomorrow. Do you know what that means? RIPE TOMATOES!!! I had a dozen cherry and grape tomatoes yesterday. Ate most of them as I picked them. Warm and sweet and bursting with the bite. I’m thinking I will sleep during the day (the only air conditioner lives in my bedroom—thank heavens) and putz during the night when it’s cooler. We’ll see how that goes. I don’t work next week, but have work the week after. Perhaps something will come up next week. I hope so. Temp work has been fun. The people I’ve worked with have been exceptional, the work interesting, and time passes quickly. But I want MY OWN JOB. Oh well, I’ll keep working on that one. I’m doing an infant massage class on Saturday at the Y. Put out introductory letters with referral pads to a couple docs last week. Something will come together. Either massage or something else. I don’t know.

AND FINALLY

I’ve been reading my scriptures and came across a passage that is helping me today. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed and discouraged because I can’t seem to generate massage appointments (I know, I’m spoiled. My original practice was huge and starting over sucks). And I apply for jobs but nothing so far. So not only am I broke in the finest sense (only financially, a temporary situation but still discouraging) but I am struggling to define the direction I want my life to go in. In other words, at a time when some of my friends are talking about retiring, I’m trying to figure out what I’m going to be when I grow up and what I want to do with the rest of my life. Curious turn of events, don’t you think?

In Proverbs 3:5-6, I found comfort.

“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy path.”

8-15-08

STICKS

As I wandered outside this morning, I counted no less than 12 sticks in my yard and on my front and back porches. These sticks are various sizes and shapes and have been gathered by the two explorers who are visiting me this week. They're eight years old. Listening to them while they played, I discovered that these sticks weren't just naked branches from the orchard behind the house. The kids uncovered the true nature of these sticks. Inside these odd shaped sticks of various lengths, they found...walking sticks, magic wands, weapons (guns and spears), digging sticks, and just-in-case-I-need-a-stick sticks. I love the magic of this part of childhood. Anything is possible.

I thank the good Lord for the magic in my life.

IT'S FLAT AND IT'S FLAT, TOO

Last night I took the grandkids to the drive in movies--it was fun and Sweetie, who said Skippy would fall asleep did and he didn't. But alas, on the way out of the drive-in, thump, thump, thump--flat tire. I was going to try and make it to a gas station to pump it up, but no such luck. It's 1 a.m. and I'm out there parked in the Humane Society parking lot (the light was good) trying to get to the spare, figure out equipment I've never used, couldn't find part of the jack and two sleeping darlings in the back seat. So I did what any respectable grandma would do in this case, I called my brother to come help. But then I found the jack parts, called him back, changed the dang tire, and viola, the spare was flat. So I called my brother again, he came and got us, we got the kids in his car and went home. 3 a.m. or so. He's going to take us down to get the car to Les Schwab.

We laughed and talked and ATE during the show (we packed enough food for a week end--and these kids aren't even teen agers yet), watched a little lightening storm pass by, and really enjoyed the shows (Indiana Jones and Ironman). The tire thing was just a blip in our good time. Besides, I don't think the kids even noticed we came home in another car. We transferred them sleep walking from car to car and from the car into the house. No stress at all for them.

This morning we had a great breakfast--the two of them made pear muffins, they are such good kids, and we'll head out in a few minutes to do the car repair thing.

So in spite of a flat tire flat tire, life is still good here in paradise.

WELCOME TO ME

Ok so I haven't put colored borders or sparkly fireworks or fancy fonts here (who can tell me how to do that stuff?) but I thought I'd try this blogging thing. I enjoy reading your blogs. I'm not sure anyone will enjoy reading mine, and I'm not sure I'm real concerned about it right now.

I live in paradise, those who visit even say so. A cherry orchard in the back yard. The canyon in front complete with a river, some lakes, mountains. Who could ask for more. Oh yes, and there's my little garden. You know when you plant tomato plants they are ...what ... 6 inches tall. So I planted 10 of them. Some of them are now taller than me. We've had such a cold winter and spring that they are just starting to turn red. I ate my first day before yesterday. My second yesterday. I'm going out and pick another this evening. I love eating them while they are warm and their little tomato hearts are still beating. Several are turning ripe. In another couple weeks I should be up to my eyeballs in tomatoes. I can hardly wait. I have peppers, a bunch, with two ready to pick. My pumpkins look like they are making happy little pumpkin babies, the squash too. Beets and carrots are coming along. I can't remember why I planted chives. What on earth do you do with chives? Oh, I remember, I went in at the end of the potted plant season and they were massively on sale. So I said to myself-self, why not try em. Anyone know what one does with garlic chives? I'm so happy when I go out and water my little garden. I planted some flowers. Some are blossoming, some are just green piles of leaves or something, but they look pretty. Note to self: study which plants make flowers and which are ground huggers before next year. (Again, the lot of them were on sale...nuff said).

My children and grandchildren have come to visit over the last week or two. That was WONDERFUL!! I sent five home Monday and picked two more up today. Before that, four spent the week with me. I just love rocking a little one to sleep, singing to her and having her sing back. Makes me smile just to think about it. And each one of them, they are getting so big and so smart and they are all so beautiful. What a lucky grandma I am, that's for sure. I look at my children living their lives and wrestling with reality and sometimes I ache for them. At this moment about all I can do to help them is pray for them. But they too are all very smart, beautiful, compassionate people. See how lucky I am. It is a challenging time for all of us right now. And the rest of my family. What a blessing they all are to me. And my friends. How they put up with my silliness. We have two family members who are in the military. How I appreciate their sacrifice, the sacrifice of one's wife and children to have husband and daddy gone, oh my, but it is hard to see it. God Bless America and all our troops where ever they are.

So that's what's up with me. Tomorrow I'm taking my two eight-year-olds to town. We'll play in the park, do some grocery shopping, come home and make goodies and popcorn to take to the drive in movies tomorrow night. We'll glean cherries in the morning. Many are in the process of becoming raisins around their pits, but we may find a good one or two. And at some point, we need to make a batch of bread. Probably tonight when it cools off. That way we can have sandwiches tomorrow.

That's it from paradise for now.