Happy New Year

The last day of 2008 is only a couple days away. A natural time for reflection on the past year and looking forward to a brand new year all fresh and untouched. It has been a very quiet holiday for me. Mostly I just stayed home by myself and rested, read, and thought. I realize that I have not taken much time to think. Not in a morose, sorrowful way, but in a considering kind of way about where I am today and where I want to be at this time next year. Of course, life is what happens when you're making other plans, but if I don't have some kind of direction then I tend to wander aimlessly about wondering what the heck is going on. Aimless wandering is neither satisfying nor productive. I will trust the good Lord to direct my life where He wants me and I will make an effort to listen to the whisperings of the spirit and then go and do. I have been in survival mode for so long, it's kind of exciting to be looking forward to the new year with anticipation and hope.

I am counting my blessings. All my children and grandchildren are healthy and doing fine. I am able to visit with my parents regularly and share my life with them while they are sharing their lives with me. I live in a beautiful place in a home that keeps me safe from the storms raging outside. I am healthier now then I have been in years (and wonder of wonder...I caught some of the year end sales and am down to a size 12-14). I got my hair cut and now I'm styling, or sorta styling anyway. It looks like I've found a good job working with good people doing work that is not too hard and yet keeps me busy. I have brothers near by who take care of me and help out when I need it. I am lifted up in the blessings of the gospel, my wonderful ward, and the people I'm privileged to know at church. I could probably go on for about another hour or so, but I won't be so boring. Being grateful has been a large part of my musings this holiday season.

Although not without its challenges, life is good. Happy New Year.

Let It Snow, Let It Snow

Ah, from the coast inland, we are getting hammered with a major winter storm. I measured 9 to 12 inches of snow in my front yard, and it is snowing again. It looks magical--all white and beautiful, but man oh man, it's COLD!! I'm going to have to dig out my car in the morning. My brother swiped the snow away by the road, but the wheels are buried and there's 6 to 8 feet of snow I'll have push away between the front of my car and the road. I went out and started my poor car this afternoon, swept it off, and hiked around the poor thing. It's white and practically disappeared in the snow. I wore my boots that were up to my knees and had to dig the snow out of the tops of them when I came inside. I am officially welcoming winter today here in Paradise.

Here's wishing you a warm Christmas week, happy memories, and joyous family moments.

Fives and Sixes

Man oh man, paradise has turned frosty. I slogged through six inches of snow on Sunday and it's still hanging around with a little more added to it last night. When I got home from work tonight, it was 5 degrees F. THAT'S COLD!!

I figured out why I was so cold when I moved here in February and the snow was deep and I like to froze. Because the thermostat on the oil heater isn't right. When it says 65, which is what I set it at, it's really closer to 58 or so. Tricky thermostat. Saved me some oil. I lived in my long johns, woolly socks, and warm blanket. You can't see your breath at that temp, but it's still cold. Now with my fire place the home front is much warmer this winter. Praise the Lord.

News about the folks is mixed. Dad seems to be improving, gaining a bit of weight and feeling pretty good except for the fatigue. Carmen isn't. She is sick from the chemo, her side is still hurting her terrible, and she isn't hungry. We just put one foot in front of the other around here and pray for the good Lord to sustain us through this challenge. No one has a guarantee of tomorrow. We may feel immortal, but that's the illusion. Take a moment to tell someone you love how you feel. Take the time to forgive someone and lighten your burden by casting away all the anger and sorrow that may haunt you. Life is fragile and love is eternal, so if you're going to spend your time on something worthwhile, let it be an eternal activity and love those close to you with the love that binds.

How grateful I am for my multitude of blessings. I know my Heavenly Father knows my name and holds me in his thoughts...guides me, directs me, and protects me.

Deck your hearts with joy, love, and peace.

Tis the Season

Ok so I saw this hilarious video on YouTube and actually posted it here, but it is rather offensive (it's called Christmas My Arse) and PG rated for sure. Sometimes I get overwhelmed with the commercialism of the season and slip into Scrooge mode...but really I do enjoy the holiday, the celebration, the cookies, and my little Christmas tree. Dare I say thinking of the birth of a babe so far away and so long ago, one who impacted the world with his life and death and resurrection, well, really that's what Christmas is all about, isn't it? Not some fat guy in a white beard who in one night breaks into every house on the planet, even if he does leave stuff rather than steal stuff. Don't you think that's kinda weird?

If you'd like to see the video, rather than post it here, you can go to it if you like. Here's the URL, just copy and paste it in your address bar.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lmW6vQtELcE

Other than that, I do have my tree up, lights on, and fireplace going. It's cozy and warm here in paradise, quiet and comfortable. Hope you all really do have a wonderful holiday season.

December--Yikes

I was able to go to help a daughter over the Thanksgiving holiday, and now that she's all fixed up, she can eat again. Yea! And it was so nice to see her, Josh, and the grandkids. They are getting so big (the grandkids. I think Josh and Katie are getting smaller). And now it is time to get serious about putting together the gift baskets I'm giving my kids and grandkids. Notwithstanding Christmas, I have four grandkids who have birthdays this month.

I stopped in at Dad and Carmen's on Thanksgiving on my way out of town...wow, they had a crowd at their house. It was great to see all the kids and grandkids surrounding the folks. Carmen smiled as she told me about it. It made her very happy.

When I got up this morning, the fog was floating in the valley, turning the view into magic. I just love the magic in my life. It's a good day in paradise.

Thanksgiving

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, but I had my family over last Saturday. The children all have Thursday plans and I just wanted to sit down to dinner with them, rock the babies, and have some face time and hugs.

I'll head down to Dad and Carmen's tomorrow afternoon. I think their count is up to 40 for dinner. I took the ham over from our dinner, and a couple of baked pie crusts to help out the cause over there. Carmen made ham and beans as a dinner for the wanderers tonight as they wander in, with sliced ham for sandwiches. I didn't figure she'd want the leftover turkey, because tomorrow they'll be making their own leftover turkey.

They seem to be managing. Still getting thinner, but still smiling. I don't know if it's denial or not, but I'm still hopeful for a full recovery for both of them.

On another grateful note, tonight my niece Tiff had her little baby girl. She was over 8 pounds, I can't remember exactly, and looks a lot like her daddy. Oni, welcome to the world. Mom and baby are resting comfortably, or were a bit ago...that changes fast when you're dealing with a hungry little baby. Congratulations Tiff and Bernard. All my love and best wishes.

Giving Thanks

Well, my children all have plans for Thanksgiving, so I planned this great early Thanksgiving meal on Saturday, tomorrow. Alli is going to make the turkey and I will bake a ham. I had great plans to get much of the work done earlier in the week but work and Enrichment meeting and yada yada yada...and it just didn't get done. So I was up bright and early this morning cleaning like a mad woman. All the Christmas projects I've been working on are stuck here and there. Got the table cleaned off and expanded, made two batches of bread, washed sheets for five beds, made up one bed four to go. So the question is how many pies can I make in four hours before the troops start descending and I must stop to rock grandchildren? I have ten pie pans I'd hoped to fill. We'll see. Don't have the floors done either. That may be put off until another day.

But none of that matters because in a few hours my house will be full of children, grandchildren, parents and miscellaneous visitors. I'm so excited. I had a count once...6 kids, 7 grandkid-type (under 8 years old) people (including 5 month old twins--how fun is that?). Then there's Mom and Andy, and tomorrow for dinner another 4, or 6, or 8 people will show up, I'm not sure. Doesn't really matter because there will be lots of food.

Isn't this what Thanksgiving is all about? Gathering together to visit and give thanks. Some days this is the best paradise ever.

Oh my gosh

Yesterday I turned 57 years old. I'm doing the happy dance about making it to here and wondering who is that old lady in my mirror?

Manic Monday

I had training today. I practiced setting up meetings on a state wide educational meeting reservation system. My meeting was the Micky Mouse meeting which met once a month with someone from another college. Unfortunately,the lady got the email confirmation for six Micky Mouse meetings before I could delete it from the system. Oops. Nope, not going to be any Micky Mouse meetings, sorry.

Carmen is in town getting chemo right now. They changed her chemo last week because the other stuff wasn't working. Now she is nauseated and fatigued. Is it a rule that the chemo isn't working if it doesn't make you sick? What's that crap about? Dad seems to be holding his own since they took him off one of his chemo medicines that was making him horribly sick. He still gets other chemo, just not the one that makes him sick. He is taking some supplements and is considering other alternatives if what he's doing isn't working. He is positive he's going to "beat this thing." He'll get a scan next week and we'll see what's happening inside him.

The holidays are creeping up. I have given up on cross-stitch. I have one and a half ornaments done. At this rate each of my grandchildren will have a Christmas ornament next June or so. On to Plan B. I just love B Plans, don't you? Another chance to experiment and try something new. And the good news is that several kids are coming the week end before Thanksgiving for holiday dinner. I'm excited to see them and the grandkids. I figure somewhere between 20 and 40 people for dinner. Should be interesting.

My little fire place is keeping the house cozy and warm. It makes me so happy to light a fire and know that my house will warm up in no time. I've been gathering wood like crazy.

I'm up to my eyeballs in apples. Made apple butter, dried apples, applesauce, sliced-spiced apples, apple crisp, apple cobbler, given away apples...and still more apples to make more wonderful stuff. I think I'll make apple pies for Thanksgiving. Good idea, eh? Maybe the kids will take some apples home. That would be good. First thing in the morning, I'll start another batch of apple butter.

Well, I'm off.

Silly Me

Sometimes I so amuse myself. Yesterday the snow was washed away by rain before noon. I was bookin' and cookin' -- made bread, made apple butter, worked on Christmas presents.... Today, another "day off" I am still working on Christmas presents and will start another batch of apple butter when I get back from cutting wood.

Life in the country. Busy. Gotta run.

GUESS WHAT?

IT'S SNOWING!!! I don't work today and just got up and it is snowing like crazy out there. There is just a covering of snow on the ground but wow, it's really snowing. And guess what? I got my snow tires on yesterday! I thought Les Schwab was busy yesterday, it's going to be crazy mad today.

I am sitting here in my warm little farm house getting ready to light the stove, I need to bring in some wood, and settle down for the day. I got a bunch of stuff done yesterday so I don't have to go to town until church on Sunday. This is a good day to make some soup and bread and wrap up in my blanket and sit in my chair by the fire. Man oh man, my life is perfect at this moment.

Have a warm day!

Lessons

I was asked the question yesterday..."what is it that you need to learn from your current situation?" And I began to think, "what indeed?" I acknowledge that I have a proud spirit. Well, had a proud spirit. My situation has been pretty humble for some time now, but if I was very honest, I guess I would have to say that my pride still rears its dragon's head once in a while and blows the hot flames of sorrow into my moment.

And yet, the Lord just keeps blessing me. Even when I doubt. Even when I cry because I don't want to ask for help, but there is no other way and I must. My desire is to be self-sufficient once again. My reality isn't in harmony with my desire yet. And yet, so many are so generous. My life is full of gifts.

My lesson? Was I just going to fast to notice my life slipping away and this is God's way of helping me slow down and contemplate my blessings? Was it that I wasn't present even when I was with the people I love, always thinking about what I needed to do next or what was on my list to do next week or just too darn tired. Is this busyness a form of pride I wonder? A sort of 'look at me and see how much I'm accomplishing and how much I have and how hard I work blah blah blah.'

Over half my life is gone and I have been given the opportunity to be here right now living this day, this moment with full awareness and without wondering about tomorrow or what's on my list or where I need to run off to. I watched the sun rise this morning. I have done my job today. Tonight I will go home to my little paradise and light a fire in the fire place and sit in my chair and stitch Christmas presents. That's as far as my planning goes.

If I am honest, I must confess that this is one of the gentler lessons I've encountered in my life. I have faith that the Lord will guide me and lead me where I need to be if I just ask and then listen real hard and make a committment to follow His counsel.

Undoubtably there is more to this lesson, and I haven't figured it all out yet. I have goals and have a picture of what I think my life could look like. But I know that there is a time and a season for everything and this is my season to be blessed with the generousity of others.

Humility. Acceptance. Love. All part of the lesson.

Am I a Whiner?

I submitted my time card Wednesday. I knew when I took this job it was a part-time gig, but when I looked at my income for the month (the time card calculates that, cool huh) I thought to myself, self, you gotta do something more. I have a fill-in gig slated at a great docs office, but that's sporadic. So, what am I to do? This is the second interview I got in six months, and the first job offer. I'm hanging on to this job for sure. But it's not paying the bills. And I just don't have it in me to do enough massages that would fill in the very large budget hole. One of the reasons I took this gig was the supervisor said she wanted to get a full-time person, probably next year. I would have a good shot at the full-time job. But...what to do between now and then. And next year when...middle of the year, end of the year? I just don't know. So while keeping this job, I continue to look for other possibilities. There is one I'm going to apply for at the college. I don't qualify exactly, but I meet most of the qualifications. I don't know what else to do. I can't keep going like this, that's for sure.

I thank the good Lord for this job, for the good people I work with, for the pleasant surroundings, and for the income. Now I have breathing room to look around. Once again I am on the hunt for a good job that can support the lifestyle I'd like to become accustomed to.

In other news, Dad and Carmen are hanging in there. They seem to be slipping a little each week. They both are skinny. On a sad and stressful note, Carmen's sister Sharon passed away this week after she fell and broke her hip. This tragedy was sudden and unexpected. Carmen had been helping Sharon's children with all that needs to be done. And little brother Kevin successfully underwent double by-pass surgery on both legs on Monday. They cut him from his sternum to his pubic bone and two little zipper cuts on both upper legs. He's recovering well and may be able to come home today.

Other than that, autumn is well and truly here. The trees in surrounding orchards are dancing in the wind wearing their fancy red and golden dresses, their last hurrah before they go to sleep for the winter. And the only things left in the garden are four little pumpkins that will need to come in soon. There is only one with some green on it; the rest are bright orange. Pumpkin pie, here I come.

some days you're the cat, some days you're the pigeon

Tomatoes and Apples

Ah, what a good day yesterday was. I put up a canner full of tomatoes. The green tomatoes are getting ripe slowly. A friend called and said she wanted to go glean apples but needed a ladder. Guess what? I have access to ladders. So the two of us old ladies went out to a small orchard near here and picked apples. They are red and golden delicious, and the owner decided he wasn't picking them because the market is bad for those types of apples. Apples is the one thing I haven't gotten hold of this season and I was praying for apples, isn't that silly. But I want to make some apple butter because I have a kid who loves apple butter and I want to give him apple butter for Christmas. In the grand scheme of life, what with jobs and illnesses and children and politics and wars and everything, you'd think heavenly Father would be too busy to worry about finding me apples. But He wasn't. Isn't that amazing? Sometimes I feel so alone and overwhelmed, sometimes my life is so full I can't hold all the joy in my arms at once. But always, even though I doubt it sometimes, I know God knows my name.

I must go and peel apples. My house is going to smell so good.

The end of tomatoes and ...

Yesterday afternoon after a bout of emotional paralysis, I went outside and pulled up dead tomato vines. Frost killed them. I picked a few tomatoes I missed last week and ate my last tomato of the season fresh off the vine. I picked the pathetic beets, and the miniature rainbow carrots, as well (orange, yellow, red, and white, pretty cool really except they weren't designed to feed regular people, that's for sure). It is somehow very sad to have my garden growing season over, clean up the little patches of ground for next year, and pick the last tomato.

I've started making Christmas presents, but it already doesn't look good. I'm doing counted cross stitch ornaments (don't read this kids). It is taking me FOREVER to finish one ornament, stitches in, rip them out, my count is off so my picture is a bit skewed, and a few stitches that I missed ripping out (I don't know how I could have done that) are leaning slightly to the left. How hard is it to sew a stupid x for crying out loud? Apparently more difficult than I originally thought. I'm going to have to take the thing into town because I missed the class on French knots and of course, this picture has French knots in it. A bunch. I'm hoping I can find someone in town who can show me how to sew French knots. I'll be the old lady on the street corner with the little cross stitch picture saying to strangers passing by, hey can you show me French knots? I'm not complaining. It's just that you can't eat cross stitch pictures, you can't get out and dig up weeds around the pictures, and the pattern isn't nearly as pretty as the picture of tomatoes on the front of a seed package. But since growing season is over and holiday season is fast approaching, I'm stitching. This started out as a labor of love. It has become a test of wills. Who is going to win, me or the needle that goes where it shouldn't and the thread that knots up on the back of the picture? I'll keep you posted on my progress.

Gotta Do Something

It's been a rough week for Dad and Carmen. Dad had chemo last Friday and did okay for the week end, but since Monday, he's been sick. Carmen had chemo Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday and she's not feeling well. Duh.

They are such an important part of my life today and my history, I'm having trouble even contemplating their mortality. I understand that, logically, none of us has a lock on life, and life could be over for any one of us at any moment. But my heart is screaming, stop this nonsense, they just planted new trees and they need to see how that adventure turns out. They have grandchildren and great grandchildren who are still babies, what about them.

The tears have come easy for me this week. There is always hope for a miracle. But perhaps the journey they are on and the example they present during this difficult time is more important than any miracle. Carmen's cancer is responding to chemo, but the doc said Dad has months. I hate it when doctors quantify life that way. And maybe the chemo will help him. And there's always the miracle thing. I don't know.

So I take them food. Cinnamon rolls, peach cobbler, an occasional dinner. Because I must do something. Yesterday Dad was feeling so bad. He finally let me do a little energy work on his belly. I have been doing guerrilla energy work on him and last night, I worked on him again. Carmen has been letting me do a little massage and energy work on her some evenings. Hands on is easier. And they fill my prayers.

If you gotta do something, too, add them to your prayers often. Write them notes and cards and express your love, share a memory, send a picture of you and your family. Have your little ones draw them pictures. Tootie, they loved the pictures of your baby. Let them know you're thinking of them. It brightens their days and makes them smile, and smiles are precious these days. They never get on the computer, so that's not an option. (They are so funny that way). Pick up paper and pen and get to it. I'll bake, you write.

Hunting Camp

Brothers, cousins, and Dad all went to deer camp. This is a week long male bonding event that happens once a year. Dad just went up for the day yesterday. He was feeling good after chemo and wanted to go to deer camp to try and earn some Christmas money in the card games they all play. I haven't talked to him today to see how he did.

I don't believe anyone has gotten a deer the last several years, but I heard that one of the cousins got a deer already, and they have another few days, so they are always ever hopeful. Deer camp is legend in our family. They have a big tent, a stove, take chairs and cots and guns, and I understand, plenty of beer for relaxing in the evenings and eat really good. It's a mystery to me, I've never been to deer camp and that's ok. I don't mind eating Bambi's daddy, but I wouldn't want to shoot him.

I hope one of my brothers get a deer. I love a good hunk of venison. Here's to male bonding and the luck of the hunt.

Red neck time out

No this is not my kid or grandkid. Although I have been mightily tempted to try this kind of thing, I never have. But to all you parents out there who are at the end of your rope, just don't tape over hair or skin and this will probably work. And don't forget the kid's wubbie, in this case, a duck. It's awful to have to hang out by yourself.

Quiet Monday

It was a wild week end with daughter and four little grandchildren. Rose turned 3 last week so we had cake for her. She sang "happy birthday to me" along with everyone else. Mom was here but she headed for Rob's once the chaos got in full swing. It was over much too soon and I hated to see them leave. I so miss my little ones.

Today was quiet. My first class canceled. My second class canceled. My third class got out an hour early. So much for one of my two best days at work. Mom and I got some apple butter started with apples the neighbor gave me. My house smells so good...apples and cinnamon. Mmmm.

Dad is struggling with nausea. He continues to lose weight. Carmen got a beautiful wig just in the nick of time. Carmen said, "turn me away from the mirror and cut it." So Judy at J C Penney hair salon did just that. Then styled her hair so it looks just lovely.

They are both trying so hard. Fussing over each other. Worrying about each other. They touch a lot these days. I took them over some birthday cake. I'm trying to fatten them up. It's not working too well, but I refuse to give up.

And now I'm sitting here, fire in my fire place, music on the radio, mom and I sipping tea and reading. It's quite lovely in paradise tonight.

How Odd

I didn't have to work today. Equipment problems. It was odd being home and having no one here to come home to. I've had visitors for a week but they're all gone and it's interesting to me how quickly I got used to coming home and integrating others into my solitary life.

I finished my son's birthday present and put it in the mail this afternoon--his birthday is tomorrow. I can't believe he's older than me now. Amazing how that works. My life is just full of magic.

The stars were close last night here in paradise. Millions of them sparkling almost close enough to touch. No stars tonight. The weather is changing. Summer is gone and autumn is really here. This is the schizophrenic time of year when one day it will be hot and the next night there's a freeze warning and it's cold and time to break out the flannel shirts and wool socks and light the fireplace. Sort of like limping toward cold weather with two flat tires; getting there, but not really wanting to.

Flyboy

My dad is a pilot. Even after he crashed his spray plane and was in a body cast for six months and had to learn to walk all over again, he returned to flying. He was telling Carmen a couple weeks ago maybe he should start flying again. They laughed. He laughed. She sorta laughed...she wasn't all the way sure he wouldn't. Dad is like that.

Good looking guy, yes?

Chocolate and Other Thoughts

Why, you may ask, do I keep a 1/3 cup measuring cup in the sugar container? Because that's how much sugar it takes to make Fudge For One, and sometimes a pan of fudge is necessary to my survival. I have been known to double the recipe, but rarely, and only in extreme circumstances. Am I a fudge addict? Perhaps a binge fudge addict because I only crave it once a month or so. Hormonal trigger? you ask. Entirely possible. I read somewhere, and I don't know if it's true or not, that sugar, alcohol (which metabolizes as sugar), some illegal drugs, and being "in love" (that first rush of new love...addictive?) all stimulate the same "pleasure" center in the brain. Okie dokie, I can live with stimulating my brain with fudge. So here's the recipe:
Fudge for one
1/3 cup Sugar
1 heaping teaspoon Cocoa
1 Tablespoon + 2 teaspoons Milk
1 scant Tablespoon Butter (real butter is always better)
1/2 teaspoon Vanilla
Mix sugar and cocoa in heavy pan (I call it my fudge pan--even if I cook green beans in it, I smile over the memory of my last batch of fudge). Add milk. Bring to a boil. Boil for 1-1/2 minutes. Remove from heat. Add butter and vanilla. Beat till thick and not glossy anymore. At this point, you can pour it onto a buttered saucer and cut it into squares, or eat it from the pan. Which is usually what I do. Why dirty a saucer? Warning: give it a little time to cool, the stuff has just been boiling, right? It will take the hide right off your tongue. (Ask me how I know?...Right).
I found this recipe on the internet and if I could remember where, I'd list the citation. Unfortunately, I love to look at recipe sites, and cannot for the life of me remember where I found it.

On the home front, my friend left yesterday on the road to her new life. I was so happy to have her here, reconnect, visit, and renew our relationship. My oldest daughter and two babies are coming this afternoon for a week end visit. I'm excited to have her coming, looking forward to walking in the orchards with Bug and rocking Lady Bug to sleep (she hates to close her eyes and sleep for fear she'll miss something good).

I stopped in to see Dad and Carmen a bit ago, but they weren't home. I'll try later. Neither one of them feel well. Duh. Chemo is a harsh treatment and I hope they can survive the chemo long enough to stop the cancer. Carmen feels ill, but her cancer is responding to treatment. Dad's chemo is newly approved and he hasn't been taking it long enough to know if it's going to slow or stop the progression of his disease.

Thank you to all who have sent ideas, links, and prayers. I appreciate it.

I must go and hang the sheets on the line in order to have fresh sheets on the beds when Alli comes.

May the good Lord bless and keep you till we meet again.

Work

Well, today is day 3 of real work...not just training. I realize I missed a few things in training that I'm learning now--by making stupid newbie mistakes. Thankfully, there are several people who know what they're doing and are very willing to teach me. What a blessing.

I haven't seen Dad or Carmen since Monday because of my schedule, but I'm going to stop in and see how they're doing today.

Autumn is here. It has gotten colder at night. I wraped myself in my rocking chair blanket and lit a fire in the fireplace last night. A friend is visiting and it was so lovely to sit in front of the fireplace and visit about life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

It is a good day.

Darn

Dad didn't make it into the clinical trial because of his age and a few "other factors." Darn it. He starts chemo this morning and is exploring other treatments at other facilities. People have been telling us of people with esophageal cancer who went to this facility or took these nutritional products or did some alternative therapy and are still going strong. We're trying to sort through the information and make an informed decision. The doc called and said that after three treatments, Carmen's lesions are responding to the chemo and getting smaller already. We're all very happy about that.

I was called as Enrichment leader at church...once a month I get to plan a little party with classes for the ladies in my congregation, I put together Enrichment groups of women with similar interests or a desire to learn the same thing (the PhotoShop class is very popular), and throw several big blow out parties a year. It's a great gig. Unfortunately, prior to this, I really didn't go to Enrichment meetings. So they put me in charge. Isn't that how it goes? Anyway, we've had some very successful meetings and sometimes the next one flows out of the last one. Next month, after brief presentations on these subjects last night, we're going to learn how to crochet (well some of us are...not sure I am, crochet hook, yarn that tangles, she said it wasn't that hard, just a modified running stitch but you pull it through the bottom instead of the top or something like that...does that sound simple? no) neck scarves for the special Olympics to be held in Idaho? next year. Plus, some of us will put together care packages for an Adopt a Marine (in Iraq) program. There are many good programs designed to send our troops some love from home, like anysoldier.com. But this sweet lady said she chose this program because her first love was a Marine. Last night we put together craft and activity boxes for children who are living in "transitional" housing..that place between homelessness and a real home in our community. So I am catching the vision of Enrichment, understanding more that all things are spiritual and if an activity allows us to friendship, fellowship, learn, and serve then all the better. In class last night, I learned I'm going to have to rip up my garden this fall and start all over in the spring. Everything. Hmmmm. Except my roses. I'll cut them in half.

I must get ready to go to work now. More practice. I start with real classrooms on Monday. It's not that I'm nervous...well, yes I am but I'm coping. The lady I work for is great. I'm excited to get going.

Morning in Paradise

Life is about change, right? And so many things are in the process of becoming around me. My garden is sort of a microcosm of that idea, small plants and seeds grown large and producing wonderful treats for my table; tomatoes abound, green beans, green peppers, squash, and it looks like my beets and carrots are finally coming along. Autumn is in the air, the nights are cooler, the morning sun rises a bit later, the pumpkins are turning orange.

There was a huge, orange harvest moon last night, a bright red sunrise this morning, both reminding me that in spite of the temporary tornado I'm living in right now, there are constants that comfort and quiet the soul--that bit of order amidst the chaos which gives hope. The earth continues to turn, the seasons progress in their time, and I will continue to experience this moment, and the next, and the next. The love of family and friends, the growth of my own testimony that God lives, He knows my name, and He sustains me through all this; that's what keeps me going.

Carmen started chemo Monday and seems to be doing well. My Dad will hear about his clinical trial this week. We are all struggling with mortality around here. I looked at the moon last night and wondered...how many more full moons will my Dad enjoy? Does he wonder? I am comforted by family willing to listen to me and hold me when I cry while I work through this challenge.

I must go. I leave for work in a few minutes for more training. Hooray! My very own job.

May the good Father bless your day today as He has already blessed mine.

Feeling Blessed

It has been an interesting week in paradise. I got a part-time job, which is very good. I’m an Interactive Television Operator. Which means I run the board (cameras, microphones, internet or phone connections, etc.) so a teacher in class here or elsewhere can be seen in class at another location. We have off-site campuses all over the state that classes are sent to. I will work all day Monday and Tuesday (classes at 8 a.m., noon, and going to 8 or 9 p.m.) and Wednesday I’m done at 2. So I’ll have time to do massages on Thursday and Friday. Now I just have to find bodies to put on my table. As I increase my network, and because I am now billing insurance, I should be okay.

I can see the Lord’s hand in my life—finally. I must confess I was feeling pretty picked on there for a while. I need the flexibility of this job because we just found out that Dad and Carmen both have cancer. Details are still sketchy, but it’s very scary. Just the word cancer is scary. Working this schedule, with the flexibility I have will give me time to help them. Do you see the tender mercies of the Lord in this situation as I do? I am here now, with a job that gives me flexibility, with skills to help, time to help, and a desire to help my parents. I worked with a breast cancer support group in my previous life, doing treatments aimed at pain management and mitigating the awful side-effects of nausea and fatigue during chemotherapy. Now here I am, with a steady job, with opportunities to network for enough massage clients so I can meet my financial obligations, and with time free so I can be a comfort to my parents. And there are so many of us, nine children in all, and cancer is a family disease…it impacts the whole family in so many ways. It is a blessing that we can all support each other. Others have time and skills in different directions and together we make up an entire support system for the folks and each other.

Dad has an optimistic outlook, always has…or else as a 80-year-old man he wouldn’t have planted 1000 new cherry trees. He’s incredible. And Carmen is more worried about him than about herself. What an example of pure love.

I have been on many journeys throughout my life. I expect this to be like most in the past…a challenge to body, mind, and spirit. During this journey into the unknown (isn’t every day a journey into the unknown? we just maintain the illusion that we have life under control), I know I must keep the Lord close, hold his very hand, in order to make it through in a way that will give me strength, to know that even when death knocks, and, that too is inevitable eventually for all of us, I have a loving Heavenly Father who led me to this place at this time so I could be part of the processes and challenges of life here in paradise.

How blessed I am.

9/11

Today is Patriot Day.

On this day - 9/11/2001 we became a different nation. I have seen the fear of another attack, fear of "others who are jealous and wish to harm us" used as an excuse for an unholy war. The fear tactics our government promotes at so many levels has inspired many of us to willingly abdicate our constitutional rights...go ahead, imprison us if someone says we're a terrorist--take away our rights to a speedy trial and unlawful imprisonment; go ahead, listen to our private conversations with the excuse that if you listen to enough of us maybe you can stop another attack; go ahead and use the acts of this terrible day and the loss of so many lives as an excuse to attack a regime that, although abusive and dictatorial, had nothing to do with 9/11. What about all the other abusive, dictatorial regimes that have no oil reserves? What about the people dying because of those leaders? Don't we have a responsibility to go to war to change those regimes? Why not? Our constitutional rights are melting away because of the tactics of this regime, in this country; because of the fear they use to keep us in agreement. We are too willing to give up our rights for the illusion of safety and security.

Please understand, it is the tactics, the leadership I am opposed to. We are in a war, our children are dying, thousands of innocents are dying in the other country. I support our troops. I support our military efforts. I just think they are being grossly misused, which is a whole other tragedy. They do their jobs--well. They love their country. They serve even to death--for me and my freedom, for you and your freedom. May the good Lord watch over them and their families and bless them all for their sacrifices on my behalf and on your behalf.

God bless America. May He save us from our fear, from unrighteous leaders, from ourselves.

Freedom is a responsibility. May we exercise it wisely.

FINALLY

I was offered a job at Wenatchee Valley College today as an "Interactive Television Operator." They do a bunch of classes that are sent to other campuses in Washington and they need someone to man (or woman?) the cameras, mics, and electronic board. I have experience on a board for radio. Don't know a thing about this TV deal, but I'm confident that I can learn quickly. It's a part-time gig and that's ok. It'll give me time to do some massage as well. And there is a chance it may go full time (read benefits) which would make me very happy. I'm excited. I start tomorrow at 9:00. And I can wear jeans, a t shirt, and sandals. Does it get any better than this?

I am doing the happy dance tonight. Then I'm going to bed. Didn't sleep well last night. Too nervous. I'll be dancing in my dreams.

We'll see

It's been an unsettling week end, my dad is sick, my mom is sick...visitors...what to do, what to say? I just don't know.

I have two interviews tomorrow, both for part time jobs. We'll see.

I've been canning. I thought I was almost done with peaches from my dad and a neighbor has some peaches I can pick. So I will come home from interviews tomorrow and pick and can some more peaches. Got the bottles. Might as well do something with the unexpected blessing of more fruit.

I need to get to bed. I'm nervous about tomorrow. Like I said, we'll see.

I am a ship builder

I am a ship builder. I have no background in ship building. No particular skills or talents that would make others who know me say, "Of course, I'm sure she'll build a wonderful ship." I am building a ship because I was commanded to. My tendencies to be impatient, a day dreamer, slow to work and then rushing to finish—these traits and many more have caused me to build rafts rather than ships. They float don’t they? And they’re a lot quicker to build. Get on the water faster, right? Well, so I thought. But my little rafts were not what the Lord told me to build. He said, ‘Build a ship.” My first raft sank. My next raft sank. My third raft sank. (Does the term ‘slow learner' come to mind?) Finally I thought, “Perhaps I should build a ship.” I acknowledge that it is only through the tender mercies of the Lord that I survived the foolishness of my own bad habits, pride, and stubbornness.

So at this late date in my life, I am finally a ship builder. I am aware that I don’t know how to build a ship that will safely carry me to the Promised Land. I only know how to build rafts that may look fine but don’t float for very long, especially in rough seas.

I am gathering materials, ore to make tools and lumber to split and somehow fashion into a ship. I don’t know how to do this, so I must rely entirely upon the Lord. What I’ve done in the past hasn’t worked. I have to let go of my pride and do it His way. I don't know what this ship will look like when I get done—but God does. When I finish one step of the process, I go to Him and ask Him to help me with the next step. Occasionally, I want to counsel the Lord – “Well, when I built my rafts I did it this way—what do you think?” If I am silent long enough and really listen, He guides me through the next step and the next and the next. And it is never how I built my rafts.

I am sunburned. I have blisters and scars and sore muscles from the work. But I know if I can keep asking, listening, and doing what the Lord tells me that one day I will have a magnificent ship.

He promised me. He never breaks a promise.

(I wrote this essay some time ago stuck it in my journal in between a couple other pages. It’s a lesson I keep relearning.)

I'm better now

Ok, sorry about my little rant this morning. It's a beautiful day outside, I'm cooking some bar-b-q ribs for dinner, and I've had a productive day. So there you have it.

You know what I think? Instead of finding a fountain of youth (which I could probably use...everything on me is heading south)...wouldn't it be lovely if we could find a fountain of smart? I get the first drink.

Have a good evening.

Are we there yet?

I think it's time to run away. The picture for the post was taken while I was snorkeling at Hunama Bay on the lovely Hawaiian island of Oahu. Yea, that sounds like a good place to run away to. Living here in Paradise has its challenges. Of course living any place has its challenges, I guess. Perhaps it's the living part that is the challenge, but for the time being, I really prefer this to the alternative. It's just that sometimes moving from one day to the next seems really hard. I hate to be a whiner here, but that's exactly what I'm doing--having a major pity party. Anyone want to join me? Or perhaps give me some ideas where I can run away to? Or perhaps volunteer to run away with me? Or perhaps just come and share a jam sandwich with me and we can sit on my porch enjoying the view and talk about the complexities of the universe like we know what we're talking about and share a laugh like it doesn't really matter anyway? Anybody?

A good day ending

It was a quiet day in my little part of paradise. I stayed home, my brother stopped in for a bit and we visited. I was primed to put up some peaches Carmen picked for me off their tree yesterday. Got the canner full, made the syrup, got out jars and lids, sorted peaches, but alas, they aren’t quite ripe yet. Another day or two. Darn. I love seeing the jars on the table all full of peaches and pretty and hear the pop, pop of the lids as they seal. My life is full of small blessings that soothe the spirit and lighten the heart.

I work tomorrow and then I join the ranks of the unemployed. Oh well.

So I will take myself off to bed content that it has been a good day. The quiet gentleness of this day makes the night sweet and inviting.

God bless you, my family and friends.

Vadalias always make me cry

I cooked some fresh out of the garden green beans…made em the way mom did. Fry some bacon, sauté some onions (vadalias) and throw the snapped raw beans in the pot to cook. Chopping the onions made me cry which is unusual because I don’t usually chop enough onions to make me cry. But the green beans were worth it.

I know just enough about gardening to appear a bit smart even though I have no real idea what I’m doing. I’ve hacked the heck out of my poor sick squash. Removed infected leaves then washed my clothes and showered before I went back out to the rest of the garden. I don’t want to spread that crud and I don’t know if it catching to my other plants. Some critter is eating my large tomatoes. I have no idea what but I set a hot sauce trap around several pink tomatoes this afternoon. I sprinkled hot sauce on the vines and ground around them hoping that whatever is munching my tomatoes doesn’t like hot sauce and will decide this isn’t a good place to steal from.

I haven’t heard about the job. They told me on Thursday that people were going to be contacted by Friday (yesterday) for interviews so it looks grim for my chances at this job. But I tell myself that Friday was the day before a three day week end and maybe they just went home early and will call me on Tuesday and set me up with an interview and I’ll be incredible and they will hire me on the spot and I’ll start work and life will be just grand. That’s the fantasy. I will, however check tomorrow’s paper for jobs as well. But I’m only crying over onions. This crap isn’t worth crying over, at least not yet.

It is turning cold and I’m not liking it one bit. I need another two or three weeks of really hot weather so I can bottle tomatoes. I’ve got vines full of green tomatoes out there and they just need some sun.

So here I sit on a Saturday night babbling about my garden. I’ve done wash and it’s on the line waiting for me to bring it in. I have fresh bread on the table cooling. I’ve been cleaning and organizing a bit (I can only take a bit of that kind of thing at a time and then I get really nervous). For some reason, I’m a bit discombobulated tonight. I’m not sure why but it’s like I’m on the verge of thinking a really great thought and it just won’t come to me even though I can feel it lurking around the edges of my brain and am anticipating how wonderful it will be when it reveals itself to me and I just can’t grab hold of it. Don’t you hate that?

A guy named Norman Allen said “Lord, I don’t ask for faith that would move yonder mountain. I can take enough dynamite and move it, if it needs movin’. I pray, Lord, for enough faith to move me.”

It’s time for me to be up and moving.

Happy Sabbath.

Today is a good day

Today I have been home. I love being in my little home. I’ve cleaned a bit, cooked a bit, organized a bit and prepared for a meeting that was canceled. But I was prepared and that’s the good part. And I got to visit with a good friend and that’s the other good part. I am content tonight. And that’s the best part.

I made a huge pan of brownies with fudge frosting, that’s the bad part. Now what am I going to do with a whole huge pan of brownies I ask you. Too bad Stevie isn’t around. Whenever grandma made brownies, he always showed up at her house. It was like he had brownie radar or something. He was brownie psychic. But he’s not near by so I’ll have to figure something else out. I’m sure something will come to me.

Garden update: I am giving little tomatoes away, there are too many for me to eat. Not enough big ones to can yet, but it’s just a matter of time—a week maybe, or less. My squash and pumpkins have mold or something. I sprayed them with vinegar and garlic juice last night but Rob told me to just cut the infected leaves off. I’ll have to do that when I come home tomorrow. I hit everything with miracle grow yesterday. Just want to keep encouraging them to grow and give me lots of veggies.

Did I say today is a good day? Ah yes, I did.

Morning in Paradise

Today I will go to work smelling like eau de tomato. I went out and picked tomatoes this morning. It’s official. I’ve been waiting for this moment. I picked more tomatoes than I could eat while standing in the garden. I’m so excited. Mostly cherry and grape tomatoes, but I’ve gotten 2 larger red, ripe tomatoes. Oh man, I’ll be canning tomatoes in a week or two. This paradise thing is WONDERFUL. What a great way to start the day.

More questions?

1. How long does it take to get from here to there?
• Longer if you have kids in the car.
2. What do you do if the chocolate cake falls and you have company coming?
• Pour fudge sauce on it, squirt it with whipping cream and call it lava cake. (What if it isn’t chocolate cake? Get real.)
3. What do I do if I get a run in my stockings?
• My philosophy is sandals in the summer, boots in the winter. Runs are irrelevant to my lifestyle. (In stockings and jogging…have you ever seen a jogger smile? No. I rest my case).

Questions

If the Lord was sitting in my living room right now, what would I be doing? (Looking around I see laundry on my couch waiting to be folded and put away, I see mail scattered across the top of my table, a box in the chair waiting to be emptied, stacks of paper on the end tables, floors that need to be vacuumed or swept and the list goes on.) Should I hop up and clean, or at least throw the clutter into another room, or is it too late for that?

The Lord is sitting on my couch. Should I fold clothes and visit with him? Should I fix him dinner?

What one question would I want him to answer? If he asks me for an accounting of my time and talents, what would I tell him?

I ask these questions of myself and feel happy and sad. There is much I’m doing right, much I feel good about. And there’s a lot of room for improvement.

I honestly believe it’s not how far I’ve gotten on this journey called life. I think what’s important is that I’m moving in the right direction, toward my Savior, moving my feet even though they and my heart are blistered and tired and overwhelmed. Willing to climb over or go around the rocks in the road, willing to cross the streams and deserts, and mountains and appreciate the scenery rather than curse the challenge.

If the Lord was in my living room right now, I would sit on the couch beside him, hold his hand, and listen.

What would you do if He came knocking on your door right now?

WHACK...ok I get it now

I have been reading a little book called “Drawing on the Powers of Heaven” by Grant Von Harrison. It’s a book about faith. I thought I was faithful, and I am, but I’m learning so much more. This morning during my walk and prayer, I got whacked up along side of the head. I have been praying for a job but too proud to take “just anything.” Then it occurred to me that—and how stupid is this—I don’t want to work at jobs I’m qualified for because I want more, I want to “use my communication degree,” (read: I was being PROUD) and yet I’ve already talked to family to get help with my rent this month. I ask you do proud people beg for money from others when they are capable of working at something and should be making their own money? NO. I don’t want just any job really, but right now, I need a real job. And if it works out, it’ll be just what I want.

I looked in the paper and there are two jobs that I can do. I need to have the faith that my age isn’t going to matter to someone and I’ll be able to get some kind of job. I’m a hard worker. Dependable. Good with people. Okie dokie. I’m heading out this afternoon to pick up applications. I haven’t heard about the other job that I applied for and really want, but I’m not going to sit here and wait for the slow wheels of bureaucracy. If it comes through, I’ll throw a party, sing the halleluiah chorus, and dance in the street…or something like that.

It’s a good day to begin again. I’m so grateful to the Lord for his tender mercies.

Too many choices?

Well, it’s a great day so far. I didn’t make bread yesterday, so the first thing I did this morning was start a batch, let it rise while I was on my walk, and it’s now in pans rising for another few minutes before I put it in the oven. It’s been cooler so I don’t think I’ll create an oven in my whole house. I just love the smell of bread baking.

What an opportunity I have been given. When I left my life and business at the beginning of 2004 I had no clue I would wind up here in paradise, searching for a new place in a new world, trying to settle back into myself after the challenges of the past four years. Finishing college was difficult and wonderful and worth it. As a “mature student” (read: oldest person in the class, including professors), I was able to focus on learning and not on exploring myself. You're never too old for education. Really. Even though I cried the whole first week of classes, I got over myself, worked my buns off (I wish) and graduated. But I am not just a college graduate, I learned a lot. I loved the integrated teaching approach at The Evergreen State College; with writing, chemistry, math, anthropology, biology, anatomy and physiology, and critical thinking all intertwined in such a way that together it made so much more sense than taking each of those classes separately. Like I said, college was a good choice.

And now, here I am in paradise, trying to figure out if going backwards is going forward. (Is there a bit of irony in my situation…I wasn’t filled with searching angst while at college, but as a senior citizen I’m wondering what I want to be when I grow up…what is wrong with this picture?) Because I haven’t been able to find a “real” job, should I go back to my previous career, creating a new business here? Should I continue to take temp jobs and submit applications (assuming I don’t get the job I’ve most recently applied for, which I hope I do, but who knows?). I’m not content to just sit on my rear and wait for the world to present me with the perfect opportunity. But where to look, where to look?

Sometimes I forget that one of the things I need to do is write. I have the draft sitting on my computer, been rolling the story around in my head for several months, have the middle ready to put on paper (or on the screen), and have the time to dedicate to it right now. Ok.

There are so many choices, aren’t there? Why do I piss and moan when I have options and opportunities right here in front of me. I’m healthy. I’m smart. I’m blessed. I live in paradise. What better place to start doing what needs to be done. And nothing is exclusive of the other thing. I can write, start a business, submit applications, and wander the roads and orchards around my home being touched by the beauty and bounty of the goodness of the Lord.

Mountains to move, rivers to cross, and bread to take out of the oven. Gotta go.

Enjoying paradise...finally

Some time ago I was praying for health and the Lord whispered to me “Walk.” I thought, “Walk? Hmmm. Sounds like a lot of work to me isn’t there an easier way?” “Walk” was my answer again. Ok. I don’t walk everyday, which I know I should, but I have been walking down the road and through the orchard and it is not only a cardio workout, but whispers peace to my soul and heart. I always feel better when I get home.

This is the way I am. Not the way I want to be, but the way I am. Pray, get an answer, question, answer is repeated. The Lord is very patient with me. I confess to being a slow learner. Verrrrry slllllllllow sometimes.

Today as I walked out my door I wandered around my yard looking at my garden and lo and behold, I have green beans ready to pick. Downtown they have been picking green beans for weeks, but mine are ready today. How about that. Another miracle in my life. And before I headed down the road I brought in laundry that I hung out yesterday afternoon. My grandma would be very disappointed in me for leaving it on the line all night. I confess I completely forgot about it yesterday. I pulled the heads off a dozen dandelions in my front yard. They are the bane of my existence. Putting out their little puff balls to pollute my yard. So every morning I go out and pull the heads off the latest crop and throw them toward the canyon. I was putting them on the edge of the yard, but some of the tricky things, even without their connection to the earth, transformed into puff balls and scattered their little parachutes around. So into the canyon they go.

Then I walked.

I have been stressed over work or rather over not working and over finances and over transportation and over the health of my family and over…well the list just goes on and on. Needless to say, I have been stressing myself out over a lot of things and if I get a moment when I’m not worried about something I can sit down and think and allow something to come to mind that I can worry about. Do you see a pattern here?

I live in paradise. I am a woman of faith. I have never been homeless or hungry. I have people who love me and care for me and help me when I need it. People I can call at 1:00 in the morning to come take me home after a movie because I’m having car trouble. I am one of the luckiest people I know. Why am I wasting my time and energy worrying over things I have no control over? Well, I do have some control over some things…I can walk. I can submit applications. I can continue to pray and read my scriptures. There is much I do have control over. But why worry when I can do? I walk. I submit applications. I petition my Heavenly Father to help me and my family.

I have been in a gratitude desert for the last few days. Looking at what I don’t have instead of what I do have. And that has not been real satisfying for me. In the orchard this morning I looked at the trees. They work all year to make cherries and in a week or two, the cherries are gone; picked, and shipped out. The trees are still green and beautiful, but soon the leaves will fall and they will be naked trees standing forlornly in rows waiting for the snow so they can all go to sleep for three or four months. Winter is the sad part of the year for me, seeing all those lonely branches against the gray skies, trees young and old standing knee deep in snow. But the trees don’t mind it because it’s an important part of the cycle of their lives. The hope of spring, and the joy of summer, and the excitement of the first ripe cherry, it’s all right here for me to experience. I’m sitting here having a pity party because I don’t have a job which will get me up at dark thirty and I will leave my house in paradise and go to an office somewhere downtown and sit and work for eight hours before I can come home to paradise again. What is wrong with this picture?

I decided that today I will cast my burdens on the Lord (that’s one of my favorite verses by the way: “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matthew 11: 28-30). Today I will pick green beans, bake bread, work on my house, submit my resume and cover letter for the job I want, and eat squash (for the rest of the week I'll eat squash--the stuffed squash I baked yesterday is WONDERFUL—I did however opt for chocolate for dessert…what was I thinking, squash for dessert…silly me).

It is a beautiful day. I live in paradise. I have opportunities to work and do and be and enjoy this very moment.

How blessed I am.

I'm blessed with bounty

I went to the garden today and what did I see but a giant acorn squash. They blend in with the leaves and are hard to see. I thought to myself, self, I didn’t think those things got ripe till September but if I leave that on the vine another month it will be 10 pounds and who is going to eat 10 pounds of acorn squash I ask you. So I called my master gardener friend and she said oh no, you harvest them when they are the size of an acorn squash. Okie dokie. The thing is, I’ve been working and it’s been so hot I’ve mostly just watered my little garden and told it how good it’s doing and how proud of it I am and then I’ve left it to its own devices. That is the equivalent of telling a teenager, I’m leaving for the week end, now don’t you have a party, knowing 50 kids will be there by Saturday afternoon for the evening bash. Yes, my garden is totally out of control. The tomato plants have grown into each other, the pumpkin is snaking its way into the tomato patch, and the acorn squash is the bad boy of the garden. It’s invading the beets on one side and the peppers on the other. Plus all these beautiful giant squash. Eight. I picked eight acorn squash this morning. One looks like a regular squash, the rest look like squash on steroids. And there are more on the vines. I did take a knife to some of the squash vines so that my poor peppers could get a bit of sunlight. Anyone got any good squash recipes?

I took one down to my neighbors, going to take one to Carmen, she loves them, and give one to Rob. I don't think Kevin eats squash, but I'll ask. See, I'm down to four.

Don’t think I’m complaining. I’m already planning on squash stuffed with burger, onions, garlic and bacon for dinner and squash stuffed with brown sugar and butter for dessert. See, don’t you think I have this garden thing covered? Yes I do.

I vote illusion...reality...illusion...reality

Today I’m going to color my hair. I thought I wanted to grow it out, let it go white, embrace my natural self.

For months I’ve watched as an inch, then two, now three inches of white hair have appeared on the top of my head. I don’t like it. It doesn’t make me physically feel any younger when my hair is blond. I still have the same fluffy body, aches and pains, and bifocals. But emotionally when I look in the mirror, I want to see color, a vibrancy. If that's what I see then I feel better.

So if there is an actual change in the way I feel about myself, then it’s not total illusion, right? If there’s a shift in how I feel about myself, that’s a real, tangible, internal change. I’ll color my white hair. The illusion part. And feel better about myself. The reality part.

I wonder if this is how I’ve lived my whole life…mixing illusion and reality and winding up with a sense of satisfaction.

Hmmmm. I’m cool with that.

Short Drive

It’s Sunday night and has finally cooled off to 90°. The high was 104° F today (but the weatherman said the RealFeel was 107°). If that means it was HOT, well they are right. The moon is hanging blood red in the sky tonight, huge as it moves across the sky. What a sight from my front porch.

Church was good. The talks and lessons seemed to focus on faith. How do I balance faith with the reality that I haven’t been able to find a good job? Yesterday, I applied for a job that I think would be perfect for me, but if past performance is an indicator … well, I don’t want to think about it. I want to have faith that the Lord knows I need a job. The Lord knows the desire of my heart is to be financially secure, stable, and meet my obligations. The Lord knows I want to work, am capable of working, and have a variety of skills that would make me a good employee. I want to trust that if this isn’t the job for me, that I will still be able to meet my obligations some how, that I didn’t get this job because something even more wonderful is just over the horizon and I need to be patient a bit longer.

So here I sit wrestling with my humanity, hoping for this job, wanting this job, needing a good job, wanting to be faithful, wanting to trust that it’ll all be ok soon, knowing this challenge is but a moment in the span of eternity, knowing that somehow every thing works out because it always has and why not now, feeling weak for doubting … I’m trying not to drive myself crazy over this thing. It’s a short drive tonight.

Grandma bologna and other thoughts

My two kidlets and I slept out on the front lawn Tuesday night to watch the meteor shower. Unfortunately, we fell asleep and when the alarm rang at 2 a.m. (the best part of the show), no one wanted to wake up. But we did sleep outside and that was lovely. I was grandma bologna with a kid snudged up against me on both sides. In fact, I spent a couple nights as grandma bologna due to the fact that the short guys were getting homesick and lonely for their mommies and sleeping with grandma seemed to make it better. My buddies left on Wednesday and my house is so quiet and everything seems to stay where I put it now and there are no incredibly interesting conversations to listen to so here I am in paradise by myself. Peace is nice. Quiet is nice. I miss the laughter the most. Somehow kids come with an innate sense for joy that sucks you into their vortex and fills you up with smiles. I miss my kids and grandkids. Excuse me while I have a little pity party……..

……Ok, I’m better now.

NEXT

It’s hot today and supposed to be upwards of 108° F tomorrow. Do you know what that means? RIPE TOMATOES!!! I had a dozen cherry and grape tomatoes yesterday. Ate most of them as I picked them. Warm and sweet and bursting with the bite. I’m thinking I will sleep during the day (the only air conditioner lives in my bedroom—thank heavens) and putz during the night when it’s cooler. We’ll see how that goes. I don’t work next week, but have work the week after. Perhaps something will come up next week. I hope so. Temp work has been fun. The people I’ve worked with have been exceptional, the work interesting, and time passes quickly. But I want MY OWN JOB. Oh well, I’ll keep working on that one. I’m doing an infant massage class on Saturday at the Y. Put out introductory letters with referral pads to a couple docs last week. Something will come together. Either massage or something else. I don’t know.

AND FINALLY

I’ve been reading my scriptures and came across a passage that is helping me today. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed and discouraged because I can’t seem to generate massage appointments (I know, I’m spoiled. My original practice was huge and starting over sucks). And I apply for jobs but nothing so far. So not only am I broke in the finest sense (only financially, a temporary situation but still discouraging) but I am struggling to define the direction I want my life to go in. In other words, at a time when some of my friends are talking about retiring, I’m trying to figure out what I’m going to be when I grow up and what I want to do with the rest of my life. Curious turn of events, don’t you think?

In Proverbs 3:5-6, I found comfort.

“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy path.”

8-15-08

STICKS

As I wandered outside this morning, I counted no less than 12 sticks in my yard and on my front and back porches. These sticks are various sizes and shapes and have been gathered by the two explorers who are visiting me this week. They're eight years old. Listening to them while they played, I discovered that these sticks weren't just naked branches from the orchard behind the house. The kids uncovered the true nature of these sticks. Inside these odd shaped sticks of various lengths, they found...walking sticks, magic wands, weapons (guns and spears), digging sticks, and just-in-case-I-need-a-stick sticks. I love the magic of this part of childhood. Anything is possible.

I thank the good Lord for the magic in my life.

IT'S FLAT AND IT'S FLAT, TOO

Last night I took the grandkids to the drive in movies--it was fun and Sweetie, who said Skippy would fall asleep did and he didn't. But alas, on the way out of the drive-in, thump, thump, thump--flat tire. I was going to try and make it to a gas station to pump it up, but no such luck. It's 1 a.m. and I'm out there parked in the Humane Society parking lot (the light was good) trying to get to the spare, figure out equipment I've never used, couldn't find part of the jack and two sleeping darlings in the back seat. So I did what any respectable grandma would do in this case, I called my brother to come help. But then I found the jack parts, called him back, changed the dang tire, and viola, the spare was flat. So I called my brother again, he came and got us, we got the kids in his car and went home. 3 a.m. or so. He's going to take us down to get the car to Les Schwab.

We laughed and talked and ATE during the show (we packed enough food for a week end--and these kids aren't even teen agers yet), watched a little lightening storm pass by, and really enjoyed the shows (Indiana Jones and Ironman). The tire thing was just a blip in our good time. Besides, I don't think the kids even noticed we came home in another car. We transferred them sleep walking from car to car and from the car into the house. No stress at all for them.

This morning we had a great breakfast--the two of them made pear muffins, they are such good kids, and we'll head out in a few minutes to do the car repair thing.

So in spite of a flat tire flat tire, life is still good here in paradise.

WELCOME TO ME

Ok so I haven't put colored borders or sparkly fireworks or fancy fonts here (who can tell me how to do that stuff?) but I thought I'd try this blogging thing. I enjoy reading your blogs. I'm not sure anyone will enjoy reading mine, and I'm not sure I'm real concerned about it right now.

I live in paradise, those who visit even say so. A cherry orchard in the back yard. The canyon in front complete with a river, some lakes, mountains. Who could ask for more. Oh yes, and there's my little garden. You know when you plant tomato plants they are ...what ... 6 inches tall. So I planted 10 of them. Some of them are now taller than me. We've had such a cold winter and spring that they are just starting to turn red. I ate my first day before yesterday. My second yesterday. I'm going out and pick another this evening. I love eating them while they are warm and their little tomato hearts are still beating. Several are turning ripe. In another couple weeks I should be up to my eyeballs in tomatoes. I can hardly wait. I have peppers, a bunch, with two ready to pick. My pumpkins look like they are making happy little pumpkin babies, the squash too. Beets and carrots are coming along. I can't remember why I planted chives. What on earth do you do with chives? Oh, I remember, I went in at the end of the potted plant season and they were massively on sale. So I said to myself-self, why not try em. Anyone know what one does with garlic chives? I'm so happy when I go out and water my little garden. I planted some flowers. Some are blossoming, some are just green piles of leaves or something, but they look pretty. Note to self: study which plants make flowers and which are ground huggers before next year. (Again, the lot of them were on sale...nuff said).

My children and grandchildren have come to visit over the last week or two. That was WONDERFUL!! I sent five home Monday and picked two more up today. Before that, four spent the week with me. I just love rocking a little one to sleep, singing to her and having her sing back. Makes me smile just to think about it. And each one of them, they are getting so big and so smart and they are all so beautiful. What a lucky grandma I am, that's for sure. I look at my children living their lives and wrestling with reality and sometimes I ache for them. At this moment about all I can do to help them is pray for them. But they too are all very smart, beautiful, compassionate people. See how lucky I am. It is a challenging time for all of us right now. And the rest of my family. What a blessing they all are to me. And my friends. How they put up with my silliness. We have two family members who are in the military. How I appreciate their sacrifice, the sacrifice of one's wife and children to have husband and daddy gone, oh my, but it is hard to see it. God Bless America and all our troops where ever they are.

So that's what's up with me. Tomorrow I'm taking my two eight-year-olds to town. We'll play in the park, do some grocery shopping, come home and make goodies and popcorn to take to the drive in movies tomorrow night. We'll glean cherries in the morning. Many are in the process of becoming raisins around their pits, but we may find a good one or two. And at some point, we need to make a batch of bread. Probably tonight when it cools off. That way we can have sandwiches tomorrow.

That's it from paradise for now.